Watching.

And the mist remained, as always, like the seers said they would.
He waited on that solitary cliff like his forebears before him,
looking with wild hope upon the ocean, for that blinding vision which would seal his fate forever.

And all the while the creatures and mysteries of his world writhed at his feet,
desperate for his attention, desperate for his love, desperate to love him.
But he couldn't turn away from that wild hope upon the sea.

Dance dance

Every now and then a haze falls over your thoughts and your spirit starts a solo slow dance on the dancefloor of your brain. All the cells in your body know what's going on and it's only a matter of time...

Laughter Yoga

After a solemn meeting of the subscriptions department, we herded ourselves into the small meeting room to do what needed to be done. Stood in an uneven circle, looking uneasily at one another, no one was sure what to expect, what to do...

Then out of the air between us there sprung laughter. Full, coloured, heart renching laughter! And so we laughted and we laughted and I can't tell you who laughted first but we all laughed to the last.

And as suddenly as it all began, we were marching back through to our desks, reserved as ever. On my way I caught the eye of one of the girls, and saw something there that wasn't there before.

It seems spirits are drawn to laughter.

Drama?

When happiness fades, when life fades, when passions fade and when light fades -
All you really need is a bit of drama.

Shake it up. Talk it up. Act it up.
Make it extravagent and don't forget the sweeping tones and massive gestures.

, and all with a musical flow ;)

Play

Running through the undergrowth, excitement filled his heart,
lush leaves speeding by, batting his face and urging him on,
and then Space... -

Clear, blue, open space!

Rushing air! A leaping heart! A sudden drop!
SPLASH!

The icy water welcomed him at once, in playful swirls,
his arms moved and slid through the swirls,
playing back, and returning the welcome.

Steadying his mind he took in the scene.
There she lay,graceful,
on the bouldered shore.

She too welcomed him, with that smile, with those luscious lips.
Radiant beauty, soft muscles, smooth tan skin, all welcoming him home.

And together they played - he, her, and the water.

A bit of nothing.

I've sat here for the best part of 5 minutes thinking over what to write. My mind keeps leaning towards complaining about being a slave to this and that and about building my own prison etc etc - but I can't. I can't go into that vivid description of despair, because I think I've trained my heart simply not to believe in such a place.

The world is full of sun, and of wonder, and of delicate, beautiful things and people. I've been blessed with this beautifully coloured mind and this strong, spirited body. Happiness is abounding and in easy reach, all the time. Yet why is it that I fail to reach?

There's a stuck in my head which is making me make poor choices.

I'm not choosing the great inspiring path to freedom and wonder.
Nor am I choosing the the spiralling slope to dispair.
I don't really seem to be choosing much of anything.

And knowing what to choose has always been my trouble, really.
What shall I choose?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Through the fog of the world, shapes and shadows played terror with his wild imagination.
Wide-eyed and on the edge of seat, every bump and lap of the boat on the water quickened his heavy heartbeats.
Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound. Fast and quick blood flowed through his veins.
Tighter, tighter, tighter, tighter choked the ghosts' hands around his heart.
Where is this place? What is this fog? And who are these ghosts who drown me?

Skin prickling, ice cold, all thought rushing away at speed,
an empty place remained. No longer fog, no longer darkness, but no clarity and no light in their place.
Who were these ghosts? What was this emptiness? What was this place..?

Everything New

We're moving office over the weekend, and this afternoon I stole a sneak peak at our new home away from home. Cleaner, brighter, more spacious and full of the excitement which always come along with anything 'new'.

That excitement stayed with me for over an hour after I'd left the scene, it fed me and nourished me, and gave me new vigor. Suddenly I look forward to going into the office on Monday, much like I had when this was a 'new' job. I'm full of that feeling of infatuation you get as you get to know something, or someone new.

If only we could maintain that excitement and enthusiasm, always. Imagine how much more productive we'd be! Imagine how much 'happier' we might be in our relationships?

But then there's the age old wisdom - would she sheen seem less shiny if there was never anything dull? Would the brightness seem less splendid if there was never any darkness?

Perhaps we need these rips and lulls, these highs and lows, these yings and yangs.
In fact I'm sure we do.

They add colour to our lives and are what enable us to 'feel'. The boredom associated with adventures tried and tried is what inspires new adventures. The quiet that follows new lust is what allows for deeper connection. The depression in our lives - months, days and hours - is what forces new growth.

But all that said, I can't help but imagine a world where everything is exciting and 'new' - even if it isn't new. Imagine every bright hello you could offer and receive, as if meeting for the first time - full of possibility and opportunity.

Imagine.

Pack and Go.

http://opentravel.com/blogs/the-cheapest-places-to-live-in-the-world-500-a-month/

I think there’s no option but for me to move to Costa Rica and work remotely from a beach bungalow. Turns out it’ll only cost $6000 a year to live there, and I figure if I make that $10,000 I’ll be able to live lavishly.

I wonder if Allison would let me work from there remotely? =)

All Yours, All Mine.

The more I think about these puppet strings I often speak of, the more I realise, they're always there, we're always there, and nothing much changes.

When you think about it, and even when you don't think about it,
the freedom is breathtaking isn't it?

The freedom to do whatever on earth it is we want to do?
And pretty soon whatever off earth we wish to do too.

You may say we can't do anything, that sometimes you need money or time or 'more freedom'.

You're free to create those things.

Anything your heart desires...
well - to be frank - the resources are there for you to take those things.
But you may have to create them first.

Happiness.
Love.
Fun Times.
Good Times.
Money.
Travel.
Good Clothes.
Good Music.
Good Theatre.
A Clean Conscience.
A Healthy, Beautiful Body.

It's all there. Right now. And it's all yours.

& it's all mine ;)

*Takes a step into the future*

Hoorah.

And so he threw on some Arctic Monkeys and danced through the room like an ape on an asteroid. Down the ailses, between the desks, over the chairs and under the fluros.

Then he screamed and screamed as he danced that crazy dance,
and money - oh how it started to pour - from every pore in that old crinkly ceiling.

Not a care, not a worry, everything that money can buy,
could be bought with these pockets full of cash.

Thank the Gods, with their incest and debauchery,
a life of unrestrained decadence awaits.

Lots of Laughs.

And so sitting in his place, he wondered why it is that he runs in this mouse wheel? His pace has slowed over these days, as these thoughts have worn at his legs.

Then he blinked and the world opened up before him, colourful green pastures and deep blue oceans, fun in every sparkle.

He remembered.

Life is a dream, a game, a dance, a show.
Dream, play, dance and act I will. The strings are yours to pull as you will.

Where do I want to go?

God-speak.

Life is most certainly like an onion Sir. Yes - layers upon layers of constructed meaning - everywhere my eyes wander. Things could be simpler. Things are simpler.

Sometimes I forget everything and just float in my thoughtless observations. But how thoughtless can they be? Are not the things I see and hear and smell and taste and feel all 'thoughts' in that they're processed by my mind? What difference then is there between these seemingly 'simple' 'thoughts' and the more complex thoughts involved in the layers?

And even if there were a difference, would not these 'thoughtless observations' always have the potential to become infinitly more complex, as I zoom and zoom and zoom in on the scene?

And see? We've made another few layers of mess.

*shakes his head furtively*

---

So I forever take comfort in something a dear friend just told me once - in a moment of 'black-hole-ed-ness' -

"Why not just be happy now"?

And I do believe, yes I do believe that it was also a good friend of he who once imparted that wisdom on him! And so I do believe, yes I do believe that it's my god-given duty to pass that wisdom on.

So for all you online-readers, you cyber-thought-collectors and information gathers - here is my GREAT WISDOM.

Be Happy.

With all your might, be happy. Enjoy.
It's simple. It's to the point. Nothing at all complicated.
It's power is in its simplicity. Don't cloud it up. It's pure, distilled, 100% god-speak.

Oh, and it's nothing new. I dare not even attempt take credit for the creation of this idea. If even any of us may take credit for creating anything.

Bob Marley said it in his song - Don't worry be happy.
The Wombats said it in their song - "This could all go so wrong, but we're so happy!!".
In his melancholy song, Scott Weiland said it - "I'll believe anything, it's a beautiful day!".
John Keats said it in his poem - "Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know".

Be happy for the gift of life and vision you have. I use the term vision here broadly - refering to all you sense around you... and in you. This world. This gift. This beauty.

Be happy.
Dance often.
Sing often.
Smile often.
Laugh often.
Do good often.

Luxuries.

Walking in the sun, a leisurly pace well in hand, I wonder -

Who could want more than a crisp shirt on their skin and a gentle breeze to feel on their face?

Who? :)

It seems my life is a luxury.
...like every little thing it is a little luxury.

God I love lifes little luxuries.

^_^

Scraps.

Listening to this album is a little bit inspiring. The melodies are simply quite... playful. And as I feel the music I can't help but feel a little playful myself.


I've often thought my life might be a little more lovely if I would simply play more. Life's a game after all, and we're just playing - aren't we? Let's get a little less serious and a little more wonderful.


And besides, this all reminds me of a similar feeling I felt after seeing these girls -





It's a wonderful feeling - being encouraged to be loud, vocal, primal and instinctual. I guess it's a stretching of your boundaries. A night of debauchary where you completely release the constraints of everyday acceptable behaviour - then the next day, you might just feel a little looser - a little less constrained and a little more free and open in your actions.

I think I need a good dance. Can't wait to be better!

I don't wanna fuck.

Would you understand me,
if I said -

I don't wanna fuck,
I just want some of that
first class
feminine
energy!
?

Beauty

'Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all -
ye know on earth, and all ye need to know'
- John Keats. 1795–1821

In these city streets and urban landscapes,
more and more I lean to the same places,
to feel and see beauty, full and breathtaking.

At every street corner, at every turn,
a graceful gait, soft skin, a wild and free aire.
A fluttering skirt, a sensuous frame,
a tenderness oozing from every pore.

Such beauty to be found in that feminine frame,
and daily, hourly, it takes my breath away :)

Meditate

Things...were...too...fast.
There were... too many,
complications.

And so he closed his eyes,
drew breath,
and let go.

Then?

Idle chatter on a star-lit night,
dancing with words
& exploring thoughts.

Then a plane jets off and a rabbit runs by the runway.

Strap on the puppet strings and take the world for a spin!

So he strapped on the puppet strings and took the world for a spin.

As he span and he span he took a look what he saw.
It seemed wonderful, he seemed in awe.

But through ever pore, he felt and he felt,
company would certainly add a lot more.

Then memories swim into his head millions of miles an hour.
This journey was about simplifying, experience-ifying and singulatity-fying.

What there's then to do?

But to strap on the puppet strings and take the world for a spin!

Mystery in the night.

In the attic space he rented for half his wage, the man flung off his overcoat and began to paint that canvas more colours than anyone had ever seen.

He painted a leather-clad mystery, jetting through the night on his motorcycle. Mission in mind he fled along the forest highway, focused and intent. But what was his intent?

There it was. There was his prize, his purpose and his goal.
...just off the edge of the frame.

Games

He read a little this and that.
A slight surprise here. He might even have raised an eyebrow if he could.

He throws down the paper and laughs it off.
A hearty laugh drowns this ticking brain.

A spark has fed the engine and now the cogs turn.

Let's play a game.

And everything had changed.

I was tired.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them everything had changed.

Through the leaves of trees above I could see the sky above that, flooded with the pounding light of our star.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them everything had changed.

Through the vines, in the dark I could see the half squirell half man forraging for scraps in the dumpsters.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them everything had changed.

I jumped over the pipe, slightly missing the man eating plant, jumped on a turtle and kicked it's shell of the cliff.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them everything had changed.

I swept my hands over the coarse linen of the bed. Who knew being on a remote island could be so cool?

I closed my eyes and when I opened them everything had changed.

With nothing but a sword and buckler I skillfully danced my way through the army or armoured rhinoes.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them everything had changed.

Lying front down with my head peeking over the edge, I spotted the jagged cliffs, waves raging against them, and I closed my eyes.

Everything, always changed.

So I let go.

A Scene.

He sat in the old green armchair, sunken into it's 10 years thin cushioning.
A pale thin light drifted in through the big pane window which looked out onto the cold, damp, and abandoned street.

It was such a quiet neighbourhood at this late time of the morning.

Sitting in his shorts he kept looking back to his legs. He traced his fingers slowly and felt through the strong, firm muslces around his thigh. He could see the well defined muscles there and every now and then he might tense and relax the muscle, to remind himself it was alive, and a part of him.

Taking a deep breathe and remembering how thirsty he was, he turned his head left to the girl sitting on the table beside him.

Silent.

Such a pretty face.

From under her plain thin white chiffon dress she had the palest legs. Thin legs. Supple. You would have to search long to find muscle there. Likely you'd find bone first. but not before softness.

Her smell and the smell or the roses in the garden in the yard brought his attention back to the window.

He closed his eyes in the silence and exhaled.

Silence.

Moments

And so, he decided an adventure was in store.
It was time to leave the earth.

As he floated, yeah floated, right up through the sky,
Yes, oh yes, he decided to die.

That part which fed the bad,
would be gone in a day.
It was time to float up, yes up through the sky.

And so he grew through a cloud, through a plant, through the soil, to the bricks of a house.
Square, din, and boring, he decided to to move, with a grin.

"A grin!?", that could mean he be lying!
Nature sings and calms the soul, no sin, no untruths shall be done here today.

Smiles come and wander, and they linger about.

It's time to move on from the house.

Everything is Clear

He runs in strong and measured paces, with a determined but happy smile.
In the glass before him he can see his form rise and fall, rise and fall.
He can feel his breath moving, his chest too rising, falling, rising, falling...

Beads of sweat meander through his hair, then drip, drip, drop,
down onto his neck and down the rest of his body,
his skin glows gently in the soft artificial light.

He savours the sight of his toned musles, sliding and contracting under his skin.
It's a sight that reminds him that after all, he's just another wild beast in this world.

The point arrives.

Chemicals begin to trace themselves through every tunnel and cavity in his body.

The neurons start to dance through his brain.

He is once more, born into the world, new, and fresh.

Everything is clear.

Time to go outside.

Listening to Moby - Play.

Who am I? Who are we?

I see and I feel and I experience so much around me. There are endless gifts and treasures, abounding in every direction. But who am I? Where do I fit into this scheme of things?

I have thoughts, but by what are my thoughts guided? By everything I've learnt.
And from where have I learnt? From my environment.

So uncertainty, and this craving for understanding is natural..?

I've grown to believe the only way to get anywhere in life is to know where you're going, to set a path, then to take one foot after another and put them closer to where you want to go.

Where am I going?

I'm going to a place where I'm constantly in awe of all around me, and all within me,
where I'm completely open to the world around me, where I'm completely transparent.
I'm going to be light hearted, and face the world in good humour,
I'm going to face the world. I will not turn away from truth or experience.

How will I choose experiences?

I will only experience that which does not impose on the experience of others.
I will seek sustainable good feelings, for me and for those around me.
I will seek variety in my experiences, to broaden my horizons.
I will seek to experience from others shoes, to grow.

I think that I am inside too much. It's time to go outside. Outside my views...

Crazy Wonderful Adventures

If everyday is a holiday in life, then everyday presents the possibility of a crazy wonderful adventure.

And given the right perspective, perhaps everyone's day, every day, might be one.

Today my crazy wonderful adventure involved a lovely pale girl, a long and winding sunny bike ride, a walk around a sunny green park with some dogs and friends, an episode of True Blood, whisking up some fried rice with a best friend, and dancing with a sister-in-law.

And the day is only half done.

*sigh*

Gosh I love life/this never-ending holiday/these crazy wonderful adventures. ^_^

Religion?

Running through the darkness, lights rushing past and sweat trickling down my face and my body... I remember.

I remember the life this can give. I remember the ease with which it can wipe the confusion from your mind, and give you peace; clarity.

And maybe it wasn't just the running, in fact it was almost certainly also the Ben Lee I had on.

Lyrics about love, and oneness. Lyrics which resonate so strongly with my heart and soul that perhaps it's those vibrations that tear the clutter from my mind. Who knows.

But now once more I feel centered. At one with the world.

I remembered also the quick switch, that can be found in facing death in your own mind. Only for a moment, but enough to bring you to see things in scale. You are only as important as the trees, or the grass, or the clouds. And it's as natural as anything to love.

Once I thought that I must find love and give love. I thought I must seek oneness and create oneness in the world.

Love and oneness are here. They are everywhere inside us, everywhere outside of us, and everywhere between here and there, joining us like everything else in this universe.

So I open my eyes and I see. I feel it and I let it guide my actions.

Love. Oneness.

But how to keep this feeling? How to keep this clarity?

More books? More music? More running?

What about someone to share it with? Someone to glut my desire to put things into logical and verbally expressed capsules of understanding. I can understand now why people turn to a church. But a church is too dogmatic for me. Too rigid for my free spirited soul right?

Perhaps I simply need my own rituals. Rituals which will be my spirituality. My portal to the oneness, to God.

Running every morning in the darkness. That seems like a good start.

Holding the saying strong in my heart, that "I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer not neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again". And perhaps I can extend that kindness to all existing creatures. Perhaps.

So so far I have be good and kind, that is,

Be loving.

I have running, which may be simplified into saying let me

Be active and striving, both physically and thoughtfully.

Those seem like a good 2 commandments for my personal religion. What else? Other than my running, what other rituals may I take up?

The strongest that comes to mind is one that reminds me of this gift of life.

Wake each morning with the words on my lips: "I am completely amazed with this gift I have today."

Another that comes to mind is to

Be always smiling.

And in an attempt to experience and grow and to learn fully - to

Always be wanting so see things from the other persons point of view.

My point of view is relatively easy. It's in my mind. I will grow much more and satisfy my social hunger far more greatly if I am curious about others.

And these will be enough for now.

While she's here I think I'll kiss Jessie as much as I possibly can. But that's more of a personal thing =p Not that it isn't all personal stuff. =/

Realisation.

If a future me read these entries he could be forgiven for thinking that I wasn't quite happy. Wasn't quite ready set. You know?

If seems the only times I come to this place are when my mind and heart need stilling. When the cascade of thoughts and feelings are too busy for my tranquil soul and so I need to stop. Sit down, stay still, and take stock.

Who am I? What are these thoughts? What are these feelings? Why isn't this ideal? What is ideal? How do I get there?

I am Marc, I'm positive and confident. I love the world and love to enjoy it. "I may only pass this way once, so any good I may do, let me do it now". Anything I may appreciate and enjoy, let me appreciate it and enjoy it now.

These thoughts are that this idiot across the partition from me is eating a hole in my chest, and I feel like throttling him. Am I jealous? He keeps name name name name dropping. Do I want a list of names to throw around? Am I lonely and grasping for air? No. I'm happy with my world, with my mind and with my heart. I enjoy my Jessie and my cats. Everyone I meet, everywhere, is my friend. Every living thing I encounter, every leaf and flower and insect, is my friend. Every inanimate object, every stream, every car, every pen, is my friend. Happiness is everywhere, because everywhere is the realisation that I'm a part of it all, and everywhere is the realisation that my mind is part and un-part of it all.

I crave international airports, where no one knows my name and I don't know the language.

These feelings, are they dissatisfaction? Are they thirst? Are these fang-toothed-butterflies flapping in my belly simply the unsung soldiers of my unconscious conscience? Am I not living fully? Am I not in line with who I want to be? Probably.

So it's not the lovely living creature across the partition from me. His comments, actions and ways were just prompt for me to realise who I need to be.

Jessie does that sometimes. Prompts me I mean.

I need to live and feel and experience. I need something different to remind me I'm alive.

I'm sky diving in a few weeks, but is living something I can allow myself to do only every few weeks?

I think it's time to call it a day at work and make it to the forest.

Forest here I come =o)

(PS friend. I know I probably shouldn't seek internal satisfaction in the external. I should have the strength to satisfy the internal with the internal. But really, how is the internal any more important than the external? How is my mind any more important than my body? Really? Food for thought.)

Musings.

The sounds of seagulls outside, remind me of the ocean.
I love the ocean, it makes me feel calm, soothed, and a part of something bigger than 'me'.

The seagulls remind me of the ocean.
It isn't only the ocean that can make me feel calm, soothed, and a part of something bigger than 'me'.

It's nice to remember at points throughout the day, how small we are, how big we are, how central we are, and how unimportant we are. Such a broad array of possible ways to see things, and the simple fact that there are so many ways, all based on other ways and other ways beyond them, makes you realise how unruled it all is.

Life isn't ruled by society, by the physical environment, by deep thought. Life is life, and we may only be here once.

Seek, savour, enjoy.

Love throughout, for from my learning, loving is just putting some of those feelings of connectedness and separateness into action. Plus for whatever reason, loving will make you happy. Love everyone you meet, you never know, it might catch on ;)

Colours

The more I see this picture, the more I love the colours...Well done World.

Getting diluted.

One person can't fill a million different roles, not perfectly.

You see so often in relationships, it starts as lust and infatuation - you're drawn by the mystery of the unknown, the process of discovering someone new, the pleasure of a new experience.

Then it dulls and gets diluted by the administration and interdependance that builds over time.

Stay separate. You don't need anyone, no one else is your life.
Have your own time. You have better things to be doing than spending all your time with one person.
Have quality time. When you have moments, know what you want and make every movement, word and thought about that.

I think that last point is important. Especially when you're living with someone, it can be so hard to determine what time is quality and what's not. You lose track. You're there all the time. When you're reading, when you're studying, when you're making your food - they're always there. Are you spending time together? Not really.

Here's an experiment I'm going to try - don't be in the same room with someone if it's not time you're deciding to spend with them.

Let's see if things improve ;)

Uni

Uni is going wonderfully.
Swimmingly.
Enthrallingly.

It's enough to make me feel like I'm in Nirvana.
Perfection.

Joy. Challenges. Successes. Socialisation. Learning. Growth.

Boy aren't we lucky to have access to such wonderful education?
And to have access to all the opportunities that come after!

Frolic

I looked at the picture I just made and the mouth's a little displaced.
The fear is a little displaced.

Looking within, my thoughts seems a little displaced. Not quite centralised as I have the impression they 'should' be. Are my emotions just as displaced?

I have a relatively solid idea of where I'm going.

I have a relatively solid idea of who I am.

Relatively.
Relative to a year ago.
Probably relative to a week ago.

Time moves, the second hand ticks by, I have the impression that I learn and grow most days.
But why?

Life and time feel and seem completely without reason.

So we dance. Dance dance dance.

And maybe some love.

*frolic*

Being Wiser

The blog i was going to write -

Sometimes to easiest and quickest way to get past something you really don't want to do, is to simply rest into it and take a few steps. A few steps leads to a pace, and a pace will get it done.

The blog i need to learn to write -

Sometimes I can be such a hypocrit.

I have so many 'wonderful' ideas and philosophies, yet how often do I fail to live by them?
I know they're right and oh so much better than any alternative, I know they are - for me, right now - because I believed them into existence in my life. But they're difficult.

And loving is difficult. Loving someone else has nothing to do with what they feel for you or how they make you feel, not in my mind. There are other words for that. Loving someone is putting so much energy and effort into helping them grow - making them feel your love.

Sometimes loving someone isn't what you or they seem to want at the time. It's hard to love. Like it's hard to be loved.

Take that tiny step and move towards what you know is better, what you know will end better, and bring you to a better place.

Tiny steps make a pace, and a pace will take you to where you wanted to go.

"When I was young I did what I felt like, now I'm wiser I do what I decide to do."

Steaming Steady

Sometimes it's hard to keep a solid train of thought, or a solid train of feeling.
Sometimes the world just doesn't feel so solid, no not at all.

I'm warm in my smooth, soft black jumper. Snug.
Like a bear gently growling out his contentment with the world, gently growling right from the bottom of his belly.

And with a playful swoop, I'd sweep up that girl in an unending roll into oblivion.

And we'd lick on lolly pops, and walk on the windy pier.

But for now my throat isn't so sore and I'm very much enjoying my fresh home made super juice.

And for now the world's okay.
For now the world's pretty tangible.
For now the world is smiling on me, at me, and grinning ear to ear from inside me.
For now I'm part of everything and I feel a part of something.
For now I'm looking forward, looking inward and looking back.
For now I'm not really looking at all.

For now and always, everything is how it's meant to be, and is steaming steadily to where it needs to go.

Muscles has let me down.

The singer of this song -



Should have looked like this -

PS:

Ps: Everyone should go rock climbing.

I went for the first time in a long time yesterday,
and it was wonderful.

The warmth that fills you at that first sight of a new wall,
a new challenge and a new obstacle to overcome,
a new way to live on the edge and push limits,
another way to feel like you're growing.

The struggle as you reach, stretch and pull with might,
the sweat that makes the path slippery,
and the ache that empties all your strength,
and the relief at each chance for rest.

Then that rush,
the realisation that you're there,
and the satisfaction as you're lowered down,
as you mentally prepare for your next wall.

---------------------------------

Where's my wall?

Fluff

I was about to write something like this in my Facebook status, but people don't really want to read this sort of fluff.

I just realised, I just remembered,
That my life, and my heart,
go at a pace, everyday,
that only I decide.

Only you decide.

!!!

Love

Far from perfect, but closer every day.
Or I like to think that way anyway.

After 3 and a half years what is this love?
How do I feel, and is it still love?

I know it's love and not need or comfort,
because I don't flinch or fear when I feel it might be slipping away.

I know it's love and not need or comfort,
because I feel completely fine all by myself.

I know it's love and not an ego-trip,
because all I want to do is give and give love.

I know it's love and not safety,
because I feel like being there stretches limits. It's an adventure.

I know it's love, and not just infatuation or passion,
because the more things there are to work on, the more I want to get to work.

I know it's love, and not just infatuation or passion,
because everyday it's a choice to be there, it's my choice - it's what I choose to do.

I know she's a fit, a match and a kindred spirit,
because when we talk it feels in sync, and there's so many similarities.

I know there's still passion,
for when I see her, at times, it brings fire to my bones.

There's a lot of things I don't know, but I know this is where I want to be.
This is who I want to be here with.
And we're going where I want to go.

I hope she's happy.
I hope we're going where she wants to go.
And daily I'll try to make sure that that's so =o)

Miser-y?

He listens to Kate Bush's, Babooshka,
And he's reminded of the dangers of growing complacent.
He remembers the hazards and perils of being miser-y with approbation, praise and appreciation.

Taking things for granted is a fast track for losing them.

Remember Marc, remember and let flourish.

*ching chink*

You know things are grand when your biggest problem is feeling a little thirsty ;)

*raises glass*

Another great day! ^.^

*ching chink*

Desires

It starts as a thing, almost nothing at all.
It feeds on lack, you grow hungry, it grows.
It grows and it grows until it fills you to the brim,
It presses the inside of your chest,
It presses the walls of your throat,
If fills you and chokes you,
This unspent force,
This wasted desire.

Oh so many wasted desires...

Moments.

Almost 600 calories of drink,
and that'll do for dinner.

But what will do?
Just.. what will do?

In a pathetic stupor he yells and yells at the starry skies... "What will do?!?"
And in that same pathetic stupor he whispers at the stars "What will do...?"

------------------------

And so he floated lonely as a cloud,
And from that cloud, he viewed the world,
And in his eyes the world did shine.

The people, their actions, their thoughts and their smiles,
They ran along, day by day, helplessly following their paths -
And in his eyes the world did shine.

From his dark and cold and helpless corner,
in that bare concrete room, abandoned by years,
A smile betrayed him, and in his eyes the world did shine.

Years later, and years before,
upon a grassy pasture, up high in the fairy meadows,
In his eyes, and in the sunlight, the world did shine!

The world shines.

It turns and it shines until our flames burn out,
and new flames take our places.

The world shines and the world turns.

And in this moment,
and in this mind,
She shines.

She shines and she turns and in the hands of his mind he weighs her over to her very core,
and in his eyes she shines.

A Fountain of Love.
A Fountain of abundant and unending love.

A Fountain of purity and a fountain of hope.
A Fountain of care and a fountain of tenderness.

And in her eyes he saw pride.
He saw a faith in his future,
he saw a judgement of worth!

And her eyes taught him the value of self.
And her arms taught him the value of love.
And her mind taught him the value of imagination.

And in learning he rediscovered.
He was never empty, only lost.
His mind existed years before in the minds and remnants of all ages past.
And he was created from the mud of the dusts under the rain of the years.
And he grew and he was fed and he was nourished,
by the ever passing friends of the world.

Ever passing.
Never ending.
Only living.

Standing in the crisp cold air in the early morning, I can't help but be somewhat taken by the feeling that we're all going to be wonderful today. That the world is always smiling on us and taking us where we need to go.

And now, sitting on the bus I wonder - do the others here feel it too?

=o)

Just Feeling.

I never realised how nice it was, to simply stand into the sun with you eyes closed.
Just feeling.

Wonderful Thought

Sitting in the taxi last night, driving home, it suddenly struck me how young I am, and at the same time how old I am.

I looked at Jessie, and remembered that I'm almost 2 years older than she is. And look at her, about to finish her first semester at uni, with me having not even started mine. She's so young. And in comparison, I'm so old. So far behind...

But there are other facets of life too, to consider, I suppose.

And besides, the point is - I'm starting it too, only 6 months later. So maybe I'm so young too.

The point is that there's no urgent rush to get somewhere fast, or to achieve something, or become something. I might have been focusing so much on those distant dreams recently that I've forgotten to enjoy the ride along the way. Well there's always time to remember, and my time may be now. ~ish.

A day at a time, and a step at a time, learning about this crazy old, wonderful world.

And I'm sure that somehow -

Before I cease to be, my pen and life's legacy will have glean'd this teeming mind.

---

NOTE for thought: If the mind is both conscious and unconscious, and the unconscious is infinite, then how can we ever glean it of all it's treasures? Second, why would you want to? As M Scott Peck writes, perhaps we shall all simply become Gods by opening ourselves to our minds. Perhaps..

On Many Things

I seem drawn to films which explore the 'meaning' of life. I use that term lightly, as I've long avoided refering to life as having any meaning at all, really. Perhaps I should say - ..."films which explore the different paths which lay before us, every day we are alive."

What will we do today? How will we do it?

What will we see today? And how will we see it?

Who will we meet today? And how will we meet them?

So many choices, and so many paths.

It seems many of us share a dream, a burning desire to do 'the right thing' with our lives.It seems many of us look around and see exactly what we don't want in life. We don't want to waste our lives, we don't want to not feel and love and experience. We want to make the most of life. We want to feel... special.

But what is the most in life? How can we be special? It's a question I've spent many moments thinking over. Maybe buddhists are onto something when they talk about releasing desires, releasing ego and accepting life. Letting life in, without clinging to it. They say -  "if you love something, let it go". Yet we all seem to cling. We hold onto things and try to master them, make them our own - to have control. We cling to our partners, we cling to our friends, we cling to our clothes and to our roles. Somtimes we even cling to the idea of being different. All this to be important... or special. We want more and more, we want that elusive 'something' that will make us better.

"Why not just be happy now?". What a marvelous thing to say. I heard it for the first time about a year ago, from a friend. And I've heard and read it many times since.  It's very much like the saying - "It's not what you do, but how you go about doing it".

Revolutionary Road

Frank doesn't know what he wants to do. He works a job he hates, to fill a role passed down to him by the world. Perhaps he thinks it will make him fit in, and be acceptable. Imagine - wanting to be 'acceptable', which is even a notch below being 'special'.

April has a dream to be an actress, and it doesn't become reality. She is 'robbed' of her happiness, through the lack of this thing in her life. Perhaps she transfers her need for a dream into Frank, and comes to believe that if he gets a dream, and lives it - then they'll both be happy. 

But can happiness really be a destination? Or is it an attitude you live, during your journey? Though we have many milestones in our lives, I don't think there really is a destination. We are born, we live, love and experience, then we die and we leave behind whatever affect we had on this world. Beyond that who knows what there is? "Why not be happy now?".

One of my favorite quotes is by Modest Mouse - "It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember, that we're alive for such a short time. It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time. It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember, to live before you die". And sometimes it is hard to remember. We live day in and day out, and we forget that we're living. Smile a little, enjoy a little.

Frank and April didn't really seem to communicate a great deal towards the end. Either with themselves, internally, or with one another. Neither had a good understanding of who they were or what they wanted, or who their partner was, and what they wanted. Did he just want to feel like a man? Did he just want to feel appreciated? Did she just want to feel special and important? Did she just want to feel appreciated? Did they need to feel these things from others, because they couldn't feel it for themselves?

I've read that to be a good man, you should have a purpose, presence and freedom. You should know where you are going, and that will give you presence, and in having this path, you are free to live and feel life. I don't know if that's true of not, but the idea feels very appealing to me. I wish I had a purpose, rather than floating as I am now. 

How then does the idea of "being happy now", mesh with the idea of having a purpose? Perhaps there's truth in how they say "to be happy you need something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to". The something to do and something to look forward to parts might constitute for a 'purpose'. Does that then mean that's it's impossible to "just be happy now"? Must I find a purpose before I can be happy? I feel happy often now, but is that because I distract myself from reality? Or do I perhaps have a purpose that I live by but have not fixed upon yet?

There's a thought. A thought indeed. For a long while now I've been steadily commited to daily becoming a better person. To becoming a better listener and communicater - so that I may be a better friend and lover to Jessie. So I may be fairer and more open to new ideas and the desires of others. So that I may in turn be a better friend generally. So that I may be a better man.

"So that I may be a better man". There's a big idea... to be "a man". "A Man". What does it mean to be a Man? To be strong, and to have direction. To be open to ideas and to be at peace with the world. To take comfort and to draw strength from the vastness of the world - both tangible and ethereal. It seems odd to say - but to even to take comfort in the insignificance of our own existence and actions. But at the same time to heavily appreciate our existence and free will to do action. To appreciate the effect of our every breath, our every word, and our every motion. To give thought and consideration to all that we think, say and do. But in the light of similtaneous appreciation for our insignificance in this vast world - to be light, to be free and to be easy.

This is a great duality, and a great balancing act - a continual work. But one, that in my short experience of which, can bear wonderful fruit. More learning, more acceptance, healthier relations and a vaster horizon of experience.

I am alive, I am young, I am open to the world and it's limitless possibilities.

I am steadfast in my dedication to my purpose - to live and to love fully - strongly, and tenderly - to grow and to help grow.

We are all on our own paths, with no right and wrong way but what we make.

I think I'd like to take a stroll.

Fare well =o)

Sick

I feel sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
Coughing, runny nose, a foggy head which can't put together a well formed sentence mid conversation.

Slow thoughts, few thoughts (but that may not be unusual).

With a general feeling of being just a little bit detached from my body.
...that makes it sound almost good =/
It isn't.

sigh.

A little adventure.

Marc needs a little adventure.
A little bit of that 'out of this place' experience.

The time is drawing near.

A while ago I went to a psychologist and it very quickly became apparent that I live my life in cycles. Sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious.

Expectations etched deep in my mind and entwined with my heart and spirit, guide me and control me. Like everyone, I'm a product of my experience and those earliest experiences have been compounded upon until they're so deeply buried that I can barely recognise their nature. But oh how they effect me now.

And some might say that it's insignificant. You are who you are and you move forward from there. And that's true. But regardless of anything else, it gives me comfort to understand the why and the how of how I behave.

So I live in cycles.

My character leads me live and act in ways while my spirit yearns for other ways. Pressure builds and I feel it building. And then it pops, and I pop, and the world goes just a little bit crazy for just a little while. And I love it. I crave it and I want it to be that way again, and again, and again. Until it becomes an addiction.

Side by side with this is a deeply felt emotional void. A lack of love and a lack of faith that itches at my heart every cycle, at some end point, just before the end. Perhaps it's to help me to detach and make the leap more palatable.

Logically and by all reason things are fabulous. A loving and caring girlfriend, who's attentive and true. Beautiful cats and a supporting family. But still the itches come.

At this end of the cycle I feel all too clearly the impossible beyond the crest. Just up ahead, a few running steps forward. A pasture so green and a sky so clear that I will surely be overwhelmed by it all, and taken in my this natural wonder. Thoughtless, without responsibility or ego.

To be a part of something larger than myself, something beautiful.

But aren't I already? Aren't I already a cog in the beautiful machine of the world?
A piece in this game we play?
A vibration in this energy?

Oh this unyeilding feeling will fill me with such discontent! It threatens the very ambitions that otherwise satisfy me so.

I fear loss on both sides and there's no one to say which side will bear fruit.
It's my path, my 'Destiny' as Lenny Kravitz sings.

Perhaps a balance of both would be better than these cycles?
Or perhaps like the women of our world I need to expel this energy regularly, perhaps it's part of my 'ideal make up'.

But how to do it without causing such strife as to tear down my home to return to?
How to?

I think I need a little adventure.

Mish Mash

"I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor reglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."

- a quote from one of my favorite books, How To Win Friends And Influence People. It always reminds me of the little things I so often forget to attend to.

As most people when they read the book, I've been seeing recently with new eyes. I've been noticing all the wonderful people that surround me each day, and I've been noticing all the good things that they do. I've been trying to 'bracket' more when dealing with people, and it's amazing the difference it makes, what you can learn.

Bracketing - "the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes".

They're techniques and skills which seem so common sense, but which are used so infrequently. It's amazing.

And besides all that...
the sunsets have been wonderful the last few days. Absolutely breathtaking.

I've loved living in the apartment, it's so clean and fine and bright and airey.
I've loved living in a place so full of love.

It's given me a great energy to go out into the world with.
I like the idea of sharing happiness, and lighting little sparks of positive energy wherever I go.

We'll get there ;)

Things are going really well...
really well... =o)

On the Road Again.

Tonight after work I'll go home and play with cats, I'll make a cup of coffee and read a good book. Then later I'll go to Swing and then dinner and Jessie's parents.

Then in the evening I'll go for a walk with Jessie, all willing.

A step at a time in the right direction ;)

PS: I'm very at peace right now, and really quite happy.

On Track

What did I do on the weekend? I forget...

Friday night we went out and then came home.

Saturday we moved our fridge and washer from the old place. We showed someone through the house. We went to Bunnings, then on an adventure to a closed Crazy Clarkes and a dinner at Noodle Box. In the evening we watched The Castle on TV.

Yesterday I dropped Jessie at her parents to study, I did washing, went back to Bunnings, read and listened to music. In the evening we showed more people through the house. Then after that we made a splendid dinner.

There were some great bits, and some not so great bits, and I can see a lot of time which could have been used better. More cooking and more interaction. More boardgames, and less distraction. Or at least, less unproductive distraction.

Distractions which feed relationships and souls:

• Boardgames.
• Cooking.
• Walks and rides.
• Gymming.
• Reading.
• Visiting friends and family.
• Playing with cats.
• Doing housework together.
• Rockclimbing together.
• Dancing together.

That's a start ^^
Onwards and upwards, and today's a new day.

I'm friendly, I'm patient, and I'm full of energy!

All in place

Think.
Think.

Breathe.

Things don't always go to plan. Things aren't going as I'd planned.

Let's breathe. Let's look left, right and far. Let's gain perspective.

Who am I? Marc.

What do I want to be? A gentleman, a romantic, a thinker, an adventurer and an entrepreneur.

What do I value? Refinement, romance, thought, experience and achievement.

What are my current three affirmations? I'm friendly, I'm patient, and I'm full of energy.

What do I want to do eventually?
- Be wealthy to fund bigger adventures,
- be balanced and more refined,
- be more focussed, passionate and romantic,
- be wiser, more well read and always hungry for learning,
- to start enterprises that will require my creativity, inspire others and create my wealth.

What will I do to get there?
- Surround myself with people who have similar goals and values,
- go to university to learn the key skills I need for my future enterprises,
- focus daily, on the character I wish to be,
- remember to live the smaller adventures,
- keep fit and healthy.

What will I do now to get there?
- Relax, meditate and still my mind,
- I'll pat cats,
- hold Jessie, be held by her, kiss her and feel her heart beat.
- talk with her about dreams.

And tomorrow?
I'll kiss my girl good morning, I'll pat cats.
I'll go to the gym.
I'll go to work.
I'll read on my lunch break.
I'll share a nice evening with family in the evening.

I'm happy and I need to remember that.
I'm in love and I'm loving; I'm not only loving to Jessie, but to myself and to those around me.

All will be well, for all is well, and exactly as it needs to be for the next steps.

=o)

Morning Again.

As I walked out through my front gate and into the world this morning I couldn't help but notice how clean and crisp the morning light was. I couldn't help but notice how fresh and clean the air seemed, and how defined all the colours looked.

It was lovely to walk through and to begin a day with.

I wonder if everyone else noticed? =o)

Speedily, More-than-trickling Brooke!

[listening to the Gravitation soundtrack]

I feel like life's streaming along merrily okay?

Choice.

I don't know whether it was the weekend getaway, or the rhythmic swing dancing this evening, or just the pure physical exertion of the dancing - but I feel at peace. I feel calm and steady. I feel that whatever outside influences might try to creep under my skin or break my bubble of contentment, that they will fail.

It was probably a combination of all those 3 possibilities which brought me here; those and my month's affirmations. Affirmations have given me focus as well as a feeling of constant improvement - a feeling or a condition that I always crave.

My Affirmations:

1. I am friendly

2. I am patient

3. and I am full of energy.

And above all of that, right now I'm steady. That's the best way I can think of to describe this. It's like my 'self' is giving off constant and strong vibrations, in tune with my affirmations and in tune with who or how I am choosing to be.

So many thoughts are coming to me.

~ "When I was young I did what I felt like, now I do what I choose", Author unknown.

~ In Swing and in dancing, as the man or the lead you need to know where you're going so your partner can follow. Be strong in your lead and in where you're going, be confident. Lessons from Shane at Swing It.

~ "The superior man must have freedom, presence, and purpose" - David Deida in The Way of the Superior Man.

I feel that I am choosing how I will act, and thus who I will be. I may feel the same old choking feeling in my throat when something someone does bothers me, or if someone doesn't act the way I wish they would, but I don't act on that as I might usually. I stop. I breathe. I relax and focus on what I want to be and how I want to act. I choose.

By choosing, I am leading. I am taking myself and those around me in the direction that I wish to go. As opposed to letting situations spiral, directed my unfocused passion and giving in to my emotions. Instead of being their slave, I focus their energy into my direction.

By choosing, I give myself freedom. And by choosing to live by and to vibrate around my affirmations and core wishes, I have presence. Or at least I think I give off that image. I feel it, that is certain.

I feel good, and positive. But now I should end for tonight. There are other things I want to do ;)

Melodies and Enchantments.

Listening to Train, I find that ghosts of the past are coming out of forgotten corners. They're settling and standing. I'm breathing in old air, and I'm seeing and feeling old friends and bus routes. I have old feelings and old perspectives...

But I find myself dealing better than I have. I think I've reached a point where I can see and feel these parts of my history without confusing them with my present, or my future. I think that may be because my present and my future are so strong now.

Ghosts come from everywhere, and from nowhere at once. Ghosts stalk, ghosts ambush and ghosts dance with you wherever you may be. I see them and I welcome them, I walk with them and I dance with them, but I know them for what they are.

They're fond memories of how I got to here. I don't regret, I don't miss, I don't wish. I remember, I embrace, and I give thanks. Then I cast my eyes around my 'now', and I see love and joy and fun times everywhere. I see a healthier frame of mind and a bolder spirit.

I'm happy ^^

Wonderful World.

Googling and Wikipedia-ing the Ottaman Empire quickly led me to looking at maps of the world, which led me to Virtual Globe. It's quite a cool little tool actually. And after much spinning around and exploring and general looking, I've decided I'd like to live here ->

...for a while anyway. One day.

Looking at the globe made me realise just how little of this world I've actually seen. Sure, I've been to some major cities, but what about all the places in between? What about the forests and deserts that I havn't even glimpsed? The tiny remote villages and the valleys and mountains?

Makes you want to go exploring doesn't it? O.O

Psychic Landscapes Forever!

I am Friendly.
I am Full of Energy.
I am Patient.

These are the affirmations which I'll be saying to myself a million times a day, everyday until mid next month. Apparently that's how long it will take for my brain to reprogramme itself into actually believing these things subconciously.

And while looking on the mind and the psyche -

It occurred to me thisafternoon while listening to some old "Metric" albums, just how much the landscape of my mind has been shifted and reconstructed over the years. Listening to this music from another time brings back vague memories of a mind that was drastically different to the one I posess today. Looking at maps of the two minds, it would take a very skilled reader indeed, to realise that they belong to one and the same person in different points in time.

Whole mountains have been rearranged, flattened and formed. Oceans have dried up and been created elsewhere. Magical monuments have been raised and erased and the stars themselves have grown larger and dissappeared.

It's all part of my personal natural evolution I guess. And there's no better or worse, but I like where I am now, just like I liked where I was then. We're always where we need to be, and where we need to get to is always waiting ahead of us.

The thought immediately sprung into my mind that if only I could hear Metric's new album, I would get where I'd need to move to. Me and these silly thoughts.

*scribbles down the new album title to download tonight*

O.O

Adventures and Exploits.

I won't be drinking for the rest of the month;
Or smoking, or eating bad food, or doing anything that's bad for my body.

I was just sitting in the park on the East Perth foreshore trying to still the pool of buzzing thoughts in my mind. As I soaked into the place around me, and the world, and 'evertything', and likewise let 'everything' soak into me, I found that I've ill treated this gift I have to live in. This frame that my soul resides in that allows me to experience the world.

And I've not experienced the world as fully as I might have. From hence forth I'll be more daring and more bold in my adventures; I won't say 'no' to opportunity so much. And these adventures won't just be scaling mountains and diving deep oceans - they'll be exploring the depths of the souls and hearts of others, and appreciating more fully the relationships I'm offered by others. And I'm very lucky to have a guru in this matter, my 'fountain-of-love' Jessie.

And in her also I hope to have a partner in my other adventures and explorations of the physical world.

I've always had a great appreciation for the realms of the mind and of thought - the worlds of curiosity and contemplation. From this appreciation I feel a strong and sudden urge to read more. Starting with finishing my current book - Tales from a Thousand and One Nights.

I've decided to write essays or reflections on everything I read. These may tie into the other blog I'm starting where I'll reflect on love.

But another adventure awaits me now and I can feel it's impatience pulling. Time to take a stroll with my mistress ;)

Graft the Giraffe

I've just had a rather inspiring conversation with an old friend of mine who I've not spoken to in person since school. It's amazing but even through a relatively short Facebook comment I could feel clearly a sense of dedication, drive and commiment in him that was striking and admirable. It's something I think that's been missing from my life for a little while now.

I've made a decision, or rather a few decisions.

Basically I'm going to be more driven and committed.

These are the ways I'll start -

One. I'm going to start gyming well and getting fit. 3 times per week +. No excuses.

Two. I'm going to start a new blog (a second blog, to run along side this one). It's going to be all about observations on love. Stay tuned and Good evening ;)

Mooooomiiijiiii!!!

Something about throwing the white sheets on the bed in the bright warm sunlight of this morning has lifted my heart.

Something about sharing kisses and kind pats with my darling cats has brought me into this day with the best of spirits.

Something about knowing I'll once again share a lovely Easter with the beautiful, 'fountain-of-love' Jessie makes the icing on my day.

Happy days ^^

Skitter

Step, step, step go my feet on the way into town.
Click, click, click go the cross-lights that guide my way.
People stream, in and out, of buildings and through the streets,
Oh! Such a wonderful day it is, to be on errands in town!

Hand the man my card and load money into it from another card,
"Thank You Sir, Good day Sir", and I'm on my way again.

Hand the lady my card, to load money into a magic vault,
"Thank You Maam, Good day Maam", and I'm on my way again.

Drop a cheque into a silent box, magic money for the physician I see,
Clip, clop, clip, clop and I'm on my way again.

I look left and I look right and people still stream around,
and Oh again! Such a wonderful day it is to be on errands in town!

I still my mind but keep my pace, I'm not my body - I'm more,
My legs are tools and not all me, the same as the car or the bike.

I open my mind and stillness I feel, all is calm and well.
I open my mind and awe I feel, for the magic that I'd missed.
I'm part of it and I'm away from it, the unyeilding spirits that drive the 'all'.

I feel the sun on my face and back, I feel it move right through,
Oh! Such a wonderful day it is, to be alive and to be 'me'!

A 'Moment'

This morning: more evidence to support the argument that something is indeed wrong somewhere in the world of my mind.

Article of Evidence #1: I fail to stop and run into a taxi with no apparent reason.

This is on top of the many existing questionable behaviours and exeriences.

I seem unable to remember basic facts about my recent activities, and have a perception of time where the past, present and future appear to mix and toil into a single, messy, inconceivable 'moment'.

My limbs and actions often seem somehow disconnected from 'myself', they seem alien.

My vision itseld seems to be the second hand vision of an entity that isn't me, somehow blurry, fuzzy, and slanted.

What isthe cause of all of these things? When did they begin, or have they just always been this way? Is this in fact 'normal', and I've just yet to adjust?

I have no answers to these questions, so I float, endlessly, upon these swirling mists of this 'moment', and gaze at all upon me.

More Goals

7 minutes left on lunch so I thought I'd make a quick post. I just came accross a really cool website - http://www.mindtools.com. It's got some pretty versatile tools on there which seem just as useful in personal situations as in business.

One of the things that came up yet again was goals, and it suggested I try having a main goal for different areas of life, so here's my try.

Attitude - Keep positive, friendly, calm and broadminded.
Career - Start and own a cafe by 2016.
Education - Get my BA Commerce by the end of 2012. Get a PhD in something by 2022. Love learning.
Family - Be supportive, loving and fun. Be married by end of 2013. Have kids by 2018.
Financial - Be earning 100k/year by 2015. Have a residual income of $100/week by then too.
Physical - Do a social physicall activity once a week, every week - such as rock climbing or dancing. Also - get and keep a six pack, which will mean the rest of me isn't flabby either.
Pleasure - Have an adventure at least once a month, anything from hiking to holidaying. Also - meet friends for 'something' every week.

I know I fail in some of those areas sometimes, but I'm succeeding more and more. It's all a journey I guess..

Some time away.

Words are pitter pattering through the tunnels in my head.
An echo here, an echo there.

Where did they all go?

Who?

The statues that point the way. The hieroglyphs that line the path.
Ah! There! Somewhere over that crest, the sun is shining it must be there!
But oh this green grass is too soft to want me to run over it.

I might just lay down here in the half light, and rest a little before we go.
The day's not moving anywhere but here really, let's take some time.

Some time away.

Too much.

I just reactivated my facebook for convenience sake. That, and the associated bombardment of 'interactions', along with my already fragile and frazzled mind makes for a very distressing situation.

I feel as though someone's come in and rewired my brain in completely the wrong way. Memories feel like they're in the future and the future feels like a memory. The present feels like a blur and everything seems slightly too close for comfort. I feel like I'm losing control and losing my grip. I think I need a silent and dark room to rest in. Yes, I think that would do nicely.

Skins

It's been many months since I put together my Mirror of Narcissus last year. Those red lights were in fact from the set of a play based on that very character, a gift by an old friend who was playing him at the time.

Back in those months, I embraced that character too. Getting made up every night and every day. It led to me being made up in all sort of other ways as well; making up a life that I thought I wanted to live.

And between then and now? Perhaps I became less fawned over myself, perhaps I feel less wanted and less desired. And perhaps that's because of a shift of the energies I give off. Much of that pride and narcissism I've left behind, left in another time, and in another skin. But who am I now then?

Have I evolved? Have I become more 'at one' with the universe? With the 'collective unconscious', with 'nature', and with 'God'? So many frameworks I've learnt and studied, and so many still to soak in.

I think I have grown. I've become more selfless. Still self-ish, in my quest for enlightenment, but more steady, more open and more composed. More at one with 'larger energies' than myself, more attuned with 'the force'. I've gained greater perspective. I feel now more than I ever have, how much of a miracle I am, and how much everything around me is just as much a part of that miracle. I see how wonderful it all is.

Moments ago, in my mirror of narcissus, I fed my 'desire' to feel 'desired'. I stood and adored the person before me.

Touching my soft skin and watching those subtle movements of firm muscles, writhing gently under my skin. Taking in those shadows dancing to reveal my masculine form. Patches of hair in all the right places, coarse and rugged. I finally embrace what I see and I feel joy for what and who I am...

...who I am?
Who am I?

Looking deeper into the mirror and whispering the world into stillness I saw the energies residing within me. Haunting me, and gliding gracefully through me. Emanating from me into the world, and absorbing the world into me. I'm part of the world.

Feminine and Masculine, Strong and Meek, Bold and Supple. ...I give thanks for it all.

And on the bed, there are 3 more miracles. And the miracle of time and movement will bring me to them shortly.

I love them, and forever I must remember to be true to that love. I must remember that love isn't simply a feeling, love is embodied in our actions. And to love is to lead a life of action. To adventure past what's comfortable and into what is loving.

I really like this quote - "Your success in life will be in direct proportion to what you do, after you do what you're expected to do." I think it's by Brian Tracy but I heard it from Brian Briscoe at the 40 under 40 awards. I'll sleep on that one, and see where it takes me.

Good night =o)
x

Quality.

I'm just listening to Chromeo's - "Momma's Boy" and I must say that's is quite extraordinary.

It's funny and smart, and while it's pulling the mickey out of those kinds of situations, it makes you think about how often they actually come around. In some regards it even reminds me of some aspects of my less evolved relationship with Jessie.

The whole album's quite funky really.

On other news work's chugging along and I'm in clear seas with no 'stress-bergs' in sight.

Looking forward to seeing a bunch of people on the weekend, and I really enjoyed spending time with Hayley last night, after so long.

I'd like to spend some more time with Jessie though. This weekend perhaps. Just some nice quality time, you know?

Good Times.

I've had a drink and half a pack of Mike and Ike's and I'm feeling a more than a little happy-times. Two gorgeous girls getting ready as I type, and two darling cats running around somewhere else in the house.

After a day of not waking up enough to do much productive, I'm looking forward to a night of fun.

Good times? Let 'em roll.

The Run.

I just got back from a run, and I feel fantastic.

I think the trick is, to wait until you're too tired to realise what you're doing, quickly chuck on your running shoes and mp3 player, then get out the door and onto the road before you get a chance to second guess yourself. My legs are a bit sore now, so I'll need to stretch them in a moment - but my whole body feels a little bit tighter, and every cell of my body is surging with energy, as if dancing and congratulating me on what a good thing I've done ;)

I came home as usual to the love-ly family. Jessie fast asleep in bed after a great day at uni, Chloe curled up in bed next to her, and Daphne pottering around the room waiting for me to settle in too.

I'm really proud of Jessie. She got all her first assignments in on time and is still showing the kind of enthusiasm towards study and learning that I always hoped she'd maintain. It's inspiring really. TO say the honest truth I'm a little jealous - with my feet getting itchy to start back at uni myself. But to be fair - I am enjoying what I'm doing right now. I'm working with more concentration and consistency than I feel I have in a long time. I've found some great books to help with that I'm enjoying learning in my own way (podcasts, books etc). With the plethora of things you can learn about - all of them are fantastic - right now I'm really learning more and more each day the joys of learning more about myself; learning about the way I live my days and focusing more and more on the ways I actually want to live them. I'm feeling "more disciplined, stronger and certain"**.

I'm really excited about taking up swing classes with Lauren next week, it should be so fun! And I've got a few dinners and get togethers with family and friends coming up too which should be nice.

So yes. I'm happy. I kissed and played with Jessie and the cats a lot tonight. We're communicating really well and I am indeed excited about speaking with Jessie again tomorrow! I feel as though there's so much in her mind and in mine that we don't find out or know about each other, still. And that's really amazing and encouraging. I want more =p

------------------------------------------

** "Straylight Run - It's for the Best"

While writing this blog this song came to mind, of its own accord really.

Looking at it now, it feels so familiar. I've been there at so many points in my life, and I think the beginning half really describes the transitions a lot of us go through as we move from adolescence into adulthood.

Many of us were naive, and I for one certainly had a major reshuffle of my core values systems. I think it was that and it's subsequent aimlessness that led to a life that I was so unhappy with, the life I can feel shadowing me even now and ever threatening to take hold again. But I don't let it.

I know now that personally I'm not equipped to travel life without personal values and goals. Without them I'm just killing time, "waiting on something that will never come". I guess when you boil it all down you could argue that I'm still killing time - but I'm not waiting, in that same pathetic sense of the word. I'm working and moving towards something, towards an ideal, towards a future which can and will come. I'm waiting, but as long as I focus and work at it, it won't be in vain.

Another blog will be - "What I want? (and what are my values?)".
I think I've written on that before, but I honestly don't think we can do that enough,

;)
*waves*

An unending swirl of happiness. How could it be?

I had a fantastic weekend =o)

Full seeing people I like and talking. Eating good food and sharing some drinks. Just lovely. I think I might just be getting a little better at this 'being social' business.

Besides that there much much dancing, twirling, laughing, smiling and sparkling eyes between Jessie and I. And that right there is why we're in love. Because we fit so well into a world where we come together in joy and in wonder. And many times these past 2 days, like in all days, I've noticed at the oddest moments that we're two people sharing a moment or a space, and it's wonderful to think about how we came to be this way. It's wonderful to think about how two separate people came to be in a world and a life so full of love and sharing with another.

On another note, yesterday was pie day. We had chocolate and banana pies, vege curry pies, spinach and cheese pies and we would even have had pumpkin pies had they not sold out. Had there still been any at the Gray Street Garage Sale that it. But at least we got to listen to the festive music of the wonderful Barbara Lockyer. An interesting character that one. And oh how she reminds me of her daughter who I love.

Wow.

I've never spoken or written of Jessie as a daughter before. Not that I can remember at least. It's lovely.

I might just go give her a kiss. ;)

PS: Listening to I Cellisti - Celli Beans, and it's wonderful too.

Sleepless and such.

Once again I'm sitting at work having a rather pleasant morning and feeling quite fresh.

I didn't sleep well last night, which is really unusual for me. I woke up at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep until 4am. It took a drink of water, a bike ride, a cup of tea, and a session of tv to get me back to dreaming. And then dream I did, which again isn't something I usually remember. They were really joyous dreams about looking through old picture books of memories and experience of the last few years. It was very focused on the experiences I've had with Jessie, and gave some fresh new perspective on how much I really do appreciate and enjoy her in my life. Not that I didn't really know that already.

So yes, I was surprised to say the least when I woke up feeling happy and fresh, although it's easy to puzzle out the 'happy' part ;-)

I think part of the cause of last night may be that I saw the doctor yesterday to get a referal to a psychologist just to help clarify my direction and my thinking. It felt really 'awakening' to put some of my recent actions and feelings into words. Having them literally put out there into the air brought it home how real they are. It's true what they say - writing down and talking about your thoughts and feelings is really theraputic. And so when I got home I made a special extra effort to do exactly that with Jess, and it was good to hear her thoughts and feelings back. It's great to have someone to bounce things off and to add even more depth to an idea.

My subconscious seems to have reacted well to those conversations and conscious thoughts, and fed me even more fodder through dreaming and keeping me awake last night.

Then this morning was 'as usual' wonderful, full of love - with the cats, with Jessie, and with the world. It's actually amazing to think that being so in love is 'usual' for me. Is life can be 'usually' so extraordinary, imagine the 'unusual' experiences I could potentially have! Imagine the joy of them!

I've got 1 sub so far and can feel more coming, so it's looking to be a great month workwise too, so long as I keep active.

I'm looking forward to calling Curtin and finalising some of the details on my application for mid year entry today. It's wonderful to think that in about 4 months I'll be starting! I'm really looking forward to studying and learning and growing again.

Through the person I spoke to about their sub this morning, and through talking to Rorie here, I've also discovered the new Ellington Jazz Club just here in Northbridge. I'm pretty keen to check that out too. It looks and sounds marvelous, and I've always wanted to try out a Jazz Club.

*yawn*

Best be off.

More than a face.

In the stillness of first morning I saw you. A shape and form reaching for my senses, through that struggling light between us. Making out your face was easy, an angelic face; your eyes were closed and certainly you were somewhere more perfect than here. In a dream perhaps.

Ripe and supple, those dark pink lips rested so lightly together, yet they gave the impression of being solid - there, and responsive.

A dash and a wisp of hair fell, suddenly to adorn your soft frame and I swear my pulse grew tighter.

And you moved under that thick cover. You were more than a face, and I missed you.

I love you.

Values and Direction.

I went to a seminar yesterday about company growth. One of the things they stressed throughout the talk, was the importance of discipline and focus, because without these you can not have a destination, a direction, a vehicle for moving, and a way to know whether you're moving.

For a company you must be focused on your core values, purpose and goal. Then with discipline, you can move towards that goal daily, and measure your progress too.

It's the same with a person, and your life.

I feel that around the beginning of my adult life 3 or 4 years ago, I spent so much energy breaking down the ideologies and beliefs that had been 'forced' upon me by family, friends, school and society in general that I was left with nothing. I had no solid beliefs or values, except that I believed in me and in my happiness, and that I valued life and love. I had a goal to fall in love, and I did it. I was there, and I am there. And that's pretty much where I've been ever since. 

With no other goal or purpose I've been 'floating' since then - Letting myself float in and out of mind sets and opinions. Letting myself lose sight of the love I'd attained, float away from it, and float back.

And I've felt that with 'floating', and without drive, you start to die. Your heart starts to die, your mind starts to die, and you stop 'being alive'. And by my own definition that life is to love, without life, how can I truly love? I need drive. I need a purpose and goal, and that's what I hope to attain here, now.

On a sidenote, after some more life experience I find that my definitions of love have changed too. Love is many things. It isn't only a feeling - it's action. To truly love, you need to do things for the growth and benefit of the person you love, even when you don't want to. Like for example driving them to a party even when you don't want to, just so they know that they can depend on you to be there for them. That's love. Or making the bed for them while they're at work, and even changing the fitted sheet when you normally wouldn't - just because you know they like it, and you don't want them to have to do it after a hard day's work. That's love too. And making the time to communicate with them, and find out how they're feeling and what's happening in their heart, mind and life. Just to let them know that they're important to you. These things are love.

And now that I've learned what it takes to sustain real love, and I'm trying each day to act on that knowledge, what else can I do to create drive in my life - to give me that passion I had when seeking and finding love. For once that passion is born, it won't be able to help but seep into other areas of my life, like my loving relationships.

What are my basic values? What value would I sever a relationship for it was gone against, and what value would I give up financial gain to protect? 

Well love, to begin with. I value love, and Giving love in all you do.

And experience. I value New experience that broadens horizons.

I value emotion, and the Fostering of emotional expression.

I value Aspiring to something great.

I value Being positive and always moving forward.

And what do I aspire to? What is my purpose? My purpose is to be happy and to share happiness.

And what's a measurable 15 year goal that I can focus on and aim towards?

After 50 minutes of no luck on this one, I think I'll need to sleep on it.

All with a wooden heart.

It's night and I'm alone. The cats are there in the background but they're somewhat fuzzy. I feel slightly detached, even from these keys as my fingers strike.

Looking out across space at my screen and at my desk, along with the books and trinkets it holds - I'm simply not there. I see them, but they're not really real, because I'm not 'real'.

I'm in another place, another room within this room, outside this room, somewhere. A place in the fogs of my mind or soul, hidden away in the back alleys of its daily routine. Hidden in this place I'm safe from the world outside; no sudden feelings or disturbing thoughts will bother me here. There are no feelings, and thoughts like everything else inch along at a snails pace. 

But as with all 'greener pastures' this place has its own traps and dangers. As I sit on this cold floor, in this empty room, in this deserted part of town, I can see clearly into the future and into the past, with the cold unfeeling that this place commands. Not that cold unfeeling is necessarily a bad thing.

Here and in the world at large, there is no good or bad. Is there?

Regardless; I can see clearly into the world of my laptop and desk, into the years to come. I see the complete lack of relationships or society. I see a void in the heart of me that grows by the day. I see a lack of 'life'. For in these existences of no definitions I've made one for life - my life, is my love. It's a choice, apparently random and open to change, but It's my choice.

I step outside into the cold, and trace my way to the laptop, and to the desk, and the cats.

I don't know how I came back to this place, but it seems I'm gaining control of my non-emotions, as much as my emotions.

Or is there such thing as 'non-emotion'?