Monday, June 1, 2009

A little adventure.

Marc needs a little adventure.
A little bit of that 'out of this place' experience.

The time is drawing near.

A while ago I went to a psychologist and it very quickly became apparent that I live my life in cycles. Sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious.

Expectations etched deep in my mind and entwined with my heart and spirit, guide me and control me. Like everyone, I'm a product of my experience and those earliest experiences have been compounded upon until they're so deeply buried that I can barely recognise their nature. But oh how they effect me now.

And some might say that it's insignificant. You are who you are and you move forward from there. And that's true. But regardless of anything else, it gives me comfort to understand the why and the how of how I behave.

So I live in cycles.

My character leads me live and act in ways while my spirit yearns for other ways. Pressure builds and I feel it building. And then it pops, and I pop, and the world goes just a little bit crazy for just a little while. And I love it. I crave it and I want it to be that way again, and again, and again. Until it becomes an addiction.

Side by side with this is a deeply felt emotional void. A lack of love and a lack of faith that itches at my heart every cycle, at some end point, just before the end. Perhaps it's to help me to detach and make the leap more palatable.

Logically and by all reason things are fabulous. A loving and caring girlfriend, who's attentive and true. Beautiful cats and a supporting family. But still the itches come.

At this end of the cycle I feel all too clearly the impossible beyond the crest. Just up ahead, a few running steps forward. A pasture so green and a sky so clear that I will surely be overwhelmed by it all, and taken in my this natural wonder. Thoughtless, without responsibility or ego.

To be a part of something larger than myself, something beautiful.

But aren't I already? Aren't I already a cog in the beautiful machine of the world?
A piece in this game we play?
A vibration in this energy?

Oh this unyeilding feeling will fill me with such discontent! It threatens the very ambitions that otherwise satisfy me so.

I fear loss on both sides and there's no one to say which side will bear fruit.
It's my path, my 'Destiny' as Lenny Kravitz sings.

Perhaps a balance of both would be better than these cycles?
Or perhaps like the women of our world I need to expel this energy regularly, perhaps it's part of my 'ideal make up'.

But how to do it without causing such strife as to tear down my home to return to?
How to?

I think I need a little adventure.

1 comment:

Marc said...

Or maybe I just need a little more team sports. Some more physical activity, more regularly. Maybe I just need a better diet.