Saturday, February 28, 2009

Values and Direction.

I went to a seminar yesterday about company growth. One of the things they stressed throughout the talk, was the importance of discipline and focus, because without these you can not have a destination, a direction, a vehicle for moving, and a way to know whether you're moving.

For a company you must be focused on your core values, purpose and goal. Then with discipline, you can move towards that goal daily, and measure your progress too.

It's the same with a person, and your life.

I feel that around the beginning of my adult life 3 or 4 years ago, I spent so much energy breaking down the ideologies and beliefs that had been 'forced' upon me by family, friends, school and society in general that I was left with nothing. I had no solid beliefs or values, except that I believed in me and in my happiness, and that I valued life and love. I had a goal to fall in love, and I did it. I was there, and I am there. And that's pretty much where I've been ever since. 

With no other goal or purpose I've been 'floating' since then - Letting myself float in and out of mind sets and opinions. Letting myself lose sight of the love I'd attained, float away from it, and float back.

And I've felt that with 'floating', and without drive, you start to die. Your heart starts to die, your mind starts to die, and you stop 'being alive'. And by my own definition that life is to love, without life, how can I truly love? I need drive. I need a purpose and goal, and that's what I hope to attain here, now.

On a sidenote, after some more life experience I find that my definitions of love have changed too. Love is many things. It isn't only a feeling - it's action. To truly love, you need to do things for the growth and benefit of the person you love, even when you don't want to. Like for example driving them to a party even when you don't want to, just so they know that they can depend on you to be there for them. That's love. Or making the bed for them while they're at work, and even changing the fitted sheet when you normally wouldn't - just because you know they like it, and you don't want them to have to do it after a hard day's work. That's love too. And making the time to communicate with them, and find out how they're feeling and what's happening in their heart, mind and life. Just to let them know that they're important to you. These things are love.

And now that I've learned what it takes to sustain real love, and I'm trying each day to act on that knowledge, what else can I do to create drive in my life - to give me that passion I had when seeking and finding love. For once that passion is born, it won't be able to help but seep into other areas of my life, like my loving relationships.

What are my basic values? What value would I sever a relationship for it was gone against, and what value would I give up financial gain to protect? 

Well love, to begin with. I value love, and Giving love in all you do.
And experience. I value New experience that broadens horizons.
I value emotion, and the Fostering of emotional expression.
I value Aspiring to something great.
I value Being positive and always moving forward.

And what do I aspire to? What is my purpose? My purpose is to be happy and to share happiness.

And what's a measurable 15 year goal that I can focus on and aim towards?

After 50 minutes of no luck on this one, I think I'll need to sleep on it.

All with a wooden heart.

It's night and I'm alone. The cats are there in the background but they're somewhat fuzzy. I feel slightly detached, even from these keys as my fingers strike.

Looking out across space at my screen and at my desk, along with the books and trinkets it holds - I'm simply not there. I see them, but they're not really real, because I'm not 'real'.

I'm in another place, another room within this room, outside this room, somewhere. A place in the fogs of my mind or soul, hidden away in the back alleys of its daily routine. Hidden in this place I'm safe from the world outside; no sudden feelings or disturbing thoughts will bother me here. There are no feelings, and thoughts like everything else inch along at a snails pace. 

But as with all 'greener pastures' this place has its own traps and dangers. As I sit on this cold floor, in this empty room, in this deserted part of town, I can see clearly into the future and into the past, with the cold unfeeling that this place commands. Not that cold unfeeling is necessarily a bad thing.

Here and in the world at large, there is no good or bad. Is there?

Regardless; I can see clearly into the world of my laptop and desk, into the years to come. I see the complete lack of relationships or society. I see a void in the heart of me that grows by the day. I see a lack of 'life'. For in these existences of no definitions I've made one for life - my life, is my love. It's a choice, apparently random and open to change, but It's my choice.

I step outside into the cold, and trace my way to the laptop, and to the desk, and the cats.
I don't know how I came back to this place, but it seems I'm gaining control of my non-emotions, as much as my emotions.

Or is there such thing as 'non-emotion'?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

To Start a Day.

Wearing my thick, black Wing Lee cotton cardigan I can't help but feel a little more of the better me, and a little less of the worse.

Positive and joyous is how I feel.

I woke in a cradle of all kinds of love; Filial, romantic, erotic, unconditional love. Love between I and Chloe, Love between Daphne and her, Love between them and Jessie, and Love between Jessie and I. Circles of love, and mountains of love, in our hearts, in our thoughts, in our actions and in the air.

What a perfect way to start the day =o)

I made my fresh carrot and apple juice, I packed the soup I cooked so lovingly last night so I could take it for lunch, and I sat under the hum of the bus and read. I fell into the cool crisp morning and basked in the light blue sky and sunny warmth.

I played with my workmates and am now settling into some good work, with a good attitude.

This is the way to start a day.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Another Day Another Dollar

Naaaa naaa, Naaa na na na, Na na na naa, Naaa naa - Duff da da, Da Pa Pow!

Another day another dollar. Chilling at work on my lunch break.

I went to see Phantom last night which was a bit of a disappointing production to tell you the truth. The story and music were good enough but I wasn't much of a fan of the cast. They just didn't hold up the stage or the set that well. The company was magnificent though. A lovely girl with gorgeous eyes. Small sweet hands and a voice I adore.

I gave the kittens a bath which they didn't mind, then felt kind of bad after rinsing them off in the shower; that - they really didn't like =p.

I had a really great ride in this morning. Had a positive morning so far. Today marks 6 months at WA Business News!! It's quite good. Slightly nervous about my scheduled pay rise, seeing as I've not been getting target recently.. =/. We'll see tomorrow I guess, at my review meeting. Just had the paper reading and there was lots of wine divi'ed out for the success of last week's 40under40. I'm pretty happy to be working at the company. They've got some really great fresh ideas and attitudes towards business.

Not sure if I'll go to the BizLink Seminar tonight. I probably should, it'll be good for networking. But I would like to celebrate my 6 month milestone.

Had a nice salad for lunch. Lettuce, mint, canellini beans, beetroot and fetta - covered in balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Yum.

Anyway. Time to get on some calls ;)

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Show

Today I'm at work then tonight I'm going to see Phantom of the Opera with Jessie Stoelwinder.

It's her first full day of university and I'm excited to hear all about it. I'm looking forward to going there myself. I'm looking forward to smiling at her and having a drink with her. Then seeing the show with her. It will be time well spent indeed.

Can't wait for the show ^^

Second Look

Sitting at work, I'm lightly thinking over me, my week and my days - my life. Only lightly thinking though, like a girl lightly brushing her fingers across a lavender bush as she ambles along a path.

I'm content, but with rushes of towering joy and jagged frustration. They come, constant and unabating. They ripple the surface of something deeper. From experience I'd call that 'something deeper' a discontended soul. But what would I know?

I've grown, surely. I've learnt and developed and I have an evolved view point compared to that I had 3 years past.

3 years past, the beginning of my adult life. What have I achieved?

1. I've got a more rounded idea and concept of love.
2.I've got a lover who I love, who I respect and cherish.
3. I've got a property that's almost funding itself, and that will grow a into a nice little security blanket and launch pad one day.
4. I've got 2 darling cats who I love.
5. I've been on a few holidays - Singapore, Hong Kong, KL, Melbourne, Bali.
6. I've got experience at WA Business News, dealing with businesses and developing more of a feel for things.
7. I've had experience at Westnet where I saw and learnt from my first corporate environment.
8. I've maintained 1 semi-decent friendship from school. Which other than J is my only real one.
9. I'm gradually getting closer to my family.

What are my opportunities from here, short term?
1. I'll focus on, develop, and strengthen my relationship with Jessie Steolwinder, who I must remember is a separate person to me.
2. I will go to uni second semester and develop some keen skills, to match my desire and ambition.
3. This will also allow me to develop some really important new friendships and grow my own circle of friends.
4. I'll pay off some debt.
5. When I can afford to I'll join a club or class with people of my own age, so I can again grow more friends.
6. I'll start keeping this blog maintained, to keep me focused and clear.