Words are pitter pattering through the tunnels in my head.
An echo here, an echo there.
Where did they all go?
Who?
The statues that point the way. The hieroglyphs that line the path.
Ah! There! Somewhere over that crest, the sun is shining it must be there!
But oh this green grass is too soft to want me to run over it.
I might just lay down here in the half light, and rest a little before we go.
The day's not moving anywhere but here really, let's take some time.
Some time away.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Too much.
I just reactivated my facebook for convenience sake. That, and the associated bombardment of 'interactions', along with my already fragile and frazzled mind makes for a very distressing situation.
I feel as though someone's come in and rewired my brain in completely the wrong way. Memories feel like they're in the future and the future feels like a memory. The present feels like a blur and everything seems slightly too close for comfort. I feel like I'm losing control and losing my grip. I think I need a silent and dark room to rest in. Yes, I think that would do nicely.
I feel as though someone's come in and rewired my brain in completely the wrong way. Memories feel like they're in the future and the future feels like a memory. The present feels like a blur and everything seems slightly too close for comfort. I feel like I'm losing control and losing my grip. I think I need a silent and dark room to rest in. Yes, I think that would do nicely.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Skins
It's been many months since I put together my Mirror of Narcissus last year. Those red lights were in fact from the set of a play based on that very character, a gift by an old friend who was playing him at the time.
Back in those months, I embraced that character too. Getting made up every night and every day. It led to me being made up in all sort of other ways as well; making up a life that I thought I wanted to live.
And between then and now? Perhaps I became less fawned over myself, perhaps I feel less wanted and less desired. And perhaps that's because of a shift of the energies I give off. Much of that pride and narcissism I've left behind, left in another time, and in another skin. But who am I now then?
Have I evolved? Have I become more 'at one' with the universe? With the 'collective unconscious', with 'nature', and with 'God'? So many frameworks I've learnt and studied, and so many still to soak in.
I think I have grown. I've become more selfless. Still self-ish, in my quest for enlightenment, but more steady, more open and more composed. More at one with 'larger energies' than myself, more attuned with 'the force'. I've gained greater perspective. I feel now more than I ever have, how much of a miracle I am, and how much everything around me is just as much a part of that miracle. I see how wonderful it all is.
Moments ago, in my mirror of narcissus, I fed my 'desire' to feel 'desired'. I stood and adored the person before me.
Touching my soft skin and watching those subtle movements of firm muscles, writhing gently under my skin. Taking in those shadows dancing to reveal my masculine form. Patches of hair in all the right places, coarse and rugged. I finally embrace what I see and I feel joy for what and who I am...
...who I am?
Who am I?
Looking deeper into the mirror and whispering the world into stillness I saw the energies residing within me. Haunting me, and gliding gracefully through me. Emanating from me into the world, and absorbing the world into me. I'm part of the world.
Feminine and Masculine, Strong and Meek, Bold and Supple. ...I give thanks for it all.
And on the bed, there are 3 more miracles. And the miracle of time and movement will bring me to them shortly.
I love them, and forever I must remember to be true to that love. I must remember that love isn't simply a feeling, love is embodied in our actions. And to love is to lead a life of action. To adventure past what's comfortable and into what is loving.
I really like this quote - "Your success in life will be in direct proportion to what you do, after you do what you're expected to do." I think it's by Brian Tracy but I heard it from Brian Briscoe at the 40 under 40 awards. I'll sleep on that one, and see where it takes me.
Good night =o)
x
Back in those months, I embraced that character too. Getting made up every night and every day. It led to me being made up in all sort of other ways as well; making up a life that I thought I wanted to live.
And between then and now? Perhaps I became less fawned over myself, perhaps I feel less wanted and less desired. And perhaps that's because of a shift of the energies I give off. Much of that pride and narcissism I've left behind, left in another time, and in another skin. But who am I now then?
Have I evolved? Have I become more 'at one' with the universe? With the 'collective unconscious', with 'nature', and with 'God'? So many frameworks I've learnt and studied, and so many still to soak in.
I think I have grown. I've become more selfless. Still self-ish, in my quest for enlightenment, but more steady, more open and more composed. More at one with 'larger energies' than myself, more attuned with 'the force'. I've gained greater perspective. I feel now more than I ever have, how much of a miracle I am, and how much everything around me is just as much a part of that miracle. I see how wonderful it all is.
Moments ago, in my mirror of narcissus, I fed my 'desire' to feel 'desired'. I stood and adored the person before me.
Touching my soft skin and watching those subtle movements of firm muscles, writhing gently under my skin. Taking in those shadows dancing to reveal my masculine form. Patches of hair in all the right places, coarse and rugged. I finally embrace what I see and I feel joy for what and who I am...
...who I am?
Who am I?
Looking deeper into the mirror and whispering the world into stillness I saw the energies residing within me. Haunting me, and gliding gracefully through me. Emanating from me into the world, and absorbing the world into me. I'm part of the world.
Feminine and Masculine, Strong and Meek, Bold and Supple. ...I give thanks for it all.
And on the bed, there are 3 more miracles. And the miracle of time and movement will bring me to them shortly.
I love them, and forever I must remember to be true to that love. I must remember that love isn't simply a feeling, love is embodied in our actions. And to love is to lead a life of action. To adventure past what's comfortable and into what is loving.
I really like this quote - "Your success in life will be in direct proportion to what you do, after you do what you're expected to do." I think it's by Brian Tracy but I heard it from Brian Briscoe at the 40 under 40 awards. I'll sleep on that one, and see where it takes me.
Good night =o)
x
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Quality.
I'm just listening to Chromeo's - "Momma's Boy" and I must say that's is quite extraordinary.
It's funny and smart, and while it's pulling the mickey out of those kinds of situations, it makes you think about how often they actually come around. In some regards it even reminds me of some aspects of my less evolved relationship with Jessie.
The whole album's quite funky really.
On other news work's chugging along and I'm in clear seas with no 'stress-bergs' in sight.
Looking forward to seeing a bunch of people on the weekend, and I really enjoyed spending time with Hayley last night, after so long.
I'd like to spend some more time with Jessie though. This weekend perhaps. Just some nice quality time, you know?
It's funny and smart, and while it's pulling the mickey out of those kinds of situations, it makes you think about how often they actually come around. In some regards it even reminds me of some aspects of my less evolved relationship with Jessie.
The whole album's quite funky really.
On other news work's chugging along and I'm in clear seas with no 'stress-bergs' in sight.
Looking forward to seeing a bunch of people on the weekend, and I really enjoyed spending time with Hayley last night, after so long.
I'd like to spend some more time with Jessie though. This weekend perhaps. Just some nice quality time, you know?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Good Times.
I've had a drink and half a pack of Mike and Ike's and I'm feeling a more than a little happy-times. Two gorgeous girls getting ready as I type, and two darling cats running around somewhere else in the house.
After a day of not waking up enough to do much productive, I'm looking forward to a night of fun.
Good times? Let 'em roll.
After a day of not waking up enough to do much productive, I'm looking forward to a night of fun.
Good times? Let 'em roll.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Run.
I just got back from a run, and I feel fantastic.
I think the trick is, to wait until you're too tired to realise what you're doing, quickly chuck on your running shoes and mp3 player, then get out the door and onto the road before you get a chance to second guess yourself. My legs are a bit sore now, so I'll need to stretch them in a moment - but my whole body feels a little bit tighter, and every cell of my body is surging with energy, as if dancing and congratulating me on what a good thing I've done ;)
I came home as usual to the love-ly family. Jessie fast asleep in bed after a great day at uni, Chloe curled up in bed next to her, and Daphne pottering around the room waiting for me to settle in too.
I'm really proud of Jessie. She got all her first assignments in on time and is still showing the kind of enthusiasm towards study and learning that I always hoped she'd maintain. It's inspiring really. TO say the honest truth I'm a little jealous - with my feet getting itchy to start back at uni myself. But to be fair - I am enjoying what I'm doing right now. I'm working with more concentration and consistency than I feel I have in a long time. I've found some great books to help with that I'm enjoying learning in my own way (podcasts, books etc). With the plethora of things you can learn about - all of them are fantastic - right now I'm really learning more and more each day the joys of learning more about myself; learning about the way I live my days and focusing more and more on the ways I actually want to live them. I'm feeling "more disciplined, stronger and certain"**.
I'm really excited about taking up swing classes with Lauren next week, it should be so fun! And I've got a few dinners and get togethers with family and friends coming up too which should be nice.
So yes. I'm happy. I kissed and played with Jessie and the cats a lot tonight. We're communicating really well and I am indeed excited about speaking with Jessie again tomorrow! I feel as though there's so much in her mind and in mine that we don't find out or know about each other, still. And that's really amazing and encouraging. I want more =p
------------------------------------------
** "Straylight Run - It's for the Best"
While writing this blog this song came to mind, of its own accord really.
Looking at it now, it feels so familiar. I've been there at so many points in my life, and I think the beginning half really describes the transitions a lot of us go through as we move from adolescence into adulthood.
Many of us were naive, and I for one certainly had a major reshuffle of my core values systems. I think it was that and it's subsequent aimlessness that led to a life that I was so unhappy with, the life I can feel shadowing me even now and ever threatening to take hold again. But I don't let it.
I know now that personally I'm not equipped to travel life without personal values and goals. Without them I'm just killing time, "waiting on something that will never come". I guess when you boil it all down you could argue that I'm still killing time - but I'm not waiting, in that same pathetic sense of the word. I'm working and moving towards something, towards an ideal, towards a future which can and will come. I'm waiting, but as long as I focus and work at it, it won't be in vain.
Another blog will be - "What I want? (and what are my values?)".
I think I've written on that before, but I honestly don't think we can do that enough,
;)
*waves*
I think the trick is, to wait until you're too tired to realise what you're doing, quickly chuck on your running shoes and mp3 player, then get out the door and onto the road before you get a chance to second guess yourself. My legs are a bit sore now, so I'll need to stretch them in a moment - but my whole body feels a little bit tighter, and every cell of my body is surging with energy, as if dancing and congratulating me on what a good thing I've done ;)
I came home as usual to the love-ly family. Jessie fast asleep in bed after a great day at uni, Chloe curled up in bed next to her, and Daphne pottering around the room waiting for me to settle in too.
I'm really proud of Jessie. She got all her first assignments in on time and is still showing the kind of enthusiasm towards study and learning that I always hoped she'd maintain. It's inspiring really. TO say the honest truth I'm a little jealous - with my feet getting itchy to start back at uni myself. But to be fair - I am enjoying what I'm doing right now. I'm working with more concentration and consistency than I feel I have in a long time. I've found some great books to help with that I'm enjoying learning in my own way (podcasts, books etc). With the plethora of things you can learn about - all of them are fantastic - right now I'm really learning more and more each day the joys of learning more about myself; learning about the way I live my days and focusing more and more on the ways I actually want to live them. I'm feeling "more disciplined, stronger and certain"**.
I'm really excited about taking up swing classes with Lauren next week, it should be so fun! And I've got a few dinners and get togethers with family and friends coming up too which should be nice.
So yes. I'm happy. I kissed and played with Jessie and the cats a lot tonight. We're communicating really well and I am indeed excited about speaking with Jessie again tomorrow! I feel as though there's so much in her mind and in mine that we don't find out or know about each other, still. And that's really amazing and encouraging. I want more =p
------------------------------------------
** "Straylight Run - It's for the Best"
While writing this blog this song came to mind, of its own accord really.
Looking at it now, it feels so familiar. I've been there at so many points in my life, and I think the beginning half really describes the transitions a lot of us go through as we move from adolescence into adulthood.
Many of us were naive, and I for one certainly had a major reshuffle of my core values systems. I think it was that and it's subsequent aimlessness that led to a life that I was so unhappy with, the life I can feel shadowing me even now and ever threatening to take hold again. But I don't let it.
I know now that personally I'm not equipped to travel life without personal values and goals. Without them I'm just killing time, "waiting on something that will never come". I guess when you boil it all down you could argue that I'm still killing time - but I'm not waiting, in that same pathetic sense of the word. I'm working and moving towards something, towards an ideal, towards a future which can and will come. I'm waiting, but as long as I focus and work at it, it won't be in vain.
Another blog will be - "What I want? (and what are my values?)".
I think I've written on that before, but I honestly don't think we can do that enough,
;)
*waves*
Sunday, March 15, 2009
An unending swirl of happiness. How could it be?
I had a fantastic weekend =o)
Full seeing people I like and talking. Eating good food and sharing some drinks. Just lovely. I think I might just be getting a little better at this 'being social' business.
Besides that there much much dancing, twirling, laughing, smiling and sparkling eyes between Jessie and I. And that right there is why we're in love. Because we fit so well into a world where we come together in joy and in wonder. And many times these past 2 days, like in all days, I've noticed at the oddest moments that we're two people sharing a moment or a space, and it's wonderful to think about how we came to be this way. It's wonderful to think about how two separate people came to be in a world and a life so full of love and sharing with another.
On another note, yesterday was pie day. We had chocolate and banana pies, vege curry pies, spinach and cheese pies and we would even have had pumpkin pies had they not sold out. Had there still been any at the Gray Street Garage Sale that it. But at least we got to listen to the festive music of the wonderful Barbara Lockyer. An interesting character that one. And oh how she reminds me of her daughter who I love.
Wow.
I've never spoken or written of Jessie as a daughter before. Not that I can remember at least. It's lovely.
I might just go give her a kiss. ;)
PS: Listening to I Cellisti - Celli Beans, and it's wonderful too.
Full seeing people I like and talking. Eating good food and sharing some drinks. Just lovely. I think I might just be getting a little better at this 'being social' business.
Besides that there much much dancing, twirling, laughing, smiling and sparkling eyes between Jessie and I. And that right there is why we're in love. Because we fit so well into a world where we come together in joy and in wonder. And many times these past 2 days, like in all days, I've noticed at the oddest moments that we're two people sharing a moment or a space, and it's wonderful to think about how we came to be this way. It's wonderful to think about how two separate people came to be in a world and a life so full of love and sharing with another.
On another note, yesterday was pie day. We had chocolate and banana pies, vege curry pies, spinach and cheese pies and we would even have had pumpkin pies had they not sold out. Had there still been any at the Gray Street Garage Sale that it. But at least we got to listen to the festive music of the wonderful Barbara Lockyer. An interesting character that one. And oh how she reminds me of her daughter who I love.
Wow.
I've never spoken or written of Jessie as a daughter before. Not that I can remember at least. It's lovely.
I might just go give her a kiss. ;)
PS: Listening to I Cellisti - Celli Beans, and it's wonderful too.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sleepless and such.
Once again I'm sitting at work having a rather pleasant morning and feeling quite fresh.
I didn't sleep well last night, which is really unusual for me. I woke up at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep until 4am. It took a drink of water, a bike ride, a cup of tea, and a session of tv to get me back to dreaming. And then dream I did, which again isn't something I usually remember. They were really joyous dreams about looking through old picture books of memories and experience of the last few years. It was very focused on the experiences I've had with Jessie, and gave some fresh new perspective on how much I really do appreciate and enjoy her in my life. Not that I didn't really know that already.
So yes, I was surprised to say the least when I woke up feeling happy and fresh, although it's easy to puzzle out the 'happy' part ;-)
I think part of the cause of last night may be that I saw the doctor yesterday to get a referal to a psychologist just to help clarify my direction and my thinking. It felt really 'awakening' to put some of my recent actions and feelings into words. Having them literally put out there into the air brought it home how real they are. It's true what they say - writing down and talking about your thoughts and feelings is really theraputic. And so when I got home I made a special extra effort to do exactly that with Jess, and it was good to hear her thoughts and feelings back. It's great to have someone to bounce things off and to add even more depth to an idea.
My subconscious seems to have reacted well to those conversations and conscious thoughts, and fed me even more fodder through dreaming and keeping me awake last night.
Then this morning was 'as usual' wonderful, full of love - with the cats, with Jessie, and with the world. It's actually amazing to think that being so in love is 'usual' for me. Is life can be 'usually' so extraordinary, imagine the 'unusual' experiences I could potentially have! Imagine the joy of them!
I've got 1 sub so far and can feel more coming, so it's looking to be a great month workwise too, so long as I keep active.
I'm looking forward to calling Curtin and finalising some of the details on my application for mid year entry today. It's wonderful to think that in about 4 months I'll be starting! I'm really looking forward to studying and learning and growing again.
Through the person I spoke to about their sub this morning, and through talking to Rorie here, I've also discovered the new Ellington Jazz Club just here in Northbridge. I'm pretty keen to check that out too. It looks and sounds marvelous, and I've always wanted to try out a Jazz Club.
*yawn*
Best be off.
I didn't sleep well last night, which is really unusual for me. I woke up at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep until 4am. It took a drink of water, a bike ride, a cup of tea, and a session of tv to get me back to dreaming. And then dream I did, which again isn't something I usually remember. They were really joyous dreams about looking through old picture books of memories and experience of the last few years. It was very focused on the experiences I've had with Jessie, and gave some fresh new perspective on how much I really do appreciate and enjoy her in my life. Not that I didn't really know that already.
So yes, I was surprised to say the least when I woke up feeling happy and fresh, although it's easy to puzzle out the 'happy' part ;-)
I think part of the cause of last night may be that I saw the doctor yesterday to get a referal to a psychologist just to help clarify my direction and my thinking. It felt really 'awakening' to put some of my recent actions and feelings into words. Having them literally put out there into the air brought it home how real they are. It's true what they say - writing down and talking about your thoughts and feelings is really theraputic. And so when I got home I made a special extra effort to do exactly that with Jess, and it was good to hear her thoughts and feelings back. It's great to have someone to bounce things off and to add even more depth to an idea.
My subconscious seems to have reacted well to those conversations and conscious thoughts, and fed me even more fodder through dreaming and keeping me awake last night.
Then this morning was 'as usual' wonderful, full of love - with the cats, with Jessie, and with the world. It's actually amazing to think that being so in love is 'usual' for me. Is life can be 'usually' so extraordinary, imagine the 'unusual' experiences I could potentially have! Imagine the joy of them!
I've got 1 sub so far and can feel more coming, so it's looking to be a great month workwise too, so long as I keep active.
I'm looking forward to calling Curtin and finalising some of the details on my application for mid year entry today. It's wonderful to think that in about 4 months I'll be starting! I'm really looking forward to studying and learning and growing again.
Through the person I spoke to about their sub this morning, and through talking to Rorie here, I've also discovered the new Ellington Jazz Club just here in Northbridge. I'm pretty keen to check that out too. It looks and sounds marvelous, and I've always wanted to try out a Jazz Club.
*yawn*
Best be off.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
More than a face.
In the stillness of first morning I saw you. A shape and form reaching for my senses, through that struggling light between us. Making out your face was easy, an angelic face; your eyes were closed and certainly you were somewhere more perfect than here. In a dream perhaps.
Ripe and supple, those dark pink lips rested so lightly together, yet they gave the impression of being solid - there, and responsive.
A dash and a wisp of hair fell, suddenly to adorn your soft frame and I swear my pulse grew tighter.
And you moved under that thick cover. You were more than a face, and I missed you.
I love you.
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