Sunday, August 23, 2009


If a future me read these entries he could be forgiven for thinking that I wasn't quite happy. Wasn't quite ready set. You know?

If seems the only times I come to this place are when my mind and heart need stilling. When the cascade of thoughts and feelings are too busy for my tranquil soul and so I need to stop. Sit down, stay still, and take stock.

Who am I? What are these thoughts? What are these feelings? Why isn't this ideal? What is ideal? How do I get there?

I am Marc, I'm positive and confident. I love the world and love to enjoy it. "I may only pass this way once, so any good I may do, let me do it now". Anything I may appreciate and enjoy, let me appreciate it and enjoy it now.

These thoughts are that this idiot across the partition from me is eating a hole in my chest, and I feel like throttling him. Am I jealous? He keeps name name name name dropping. Do I want a list of names to throw around? Am I lonely and grasping for air? No. I'm happy with my world, with my mind and with my heart. I enjoy my Jessie and my cats. Everyone I meet, everywhere, is my friend. Every living thing I encounter, every leaf and flower and insect, is my friend. Every inanimate object, every stream, every car, every pen, is my friend. Happiness is everywhere, because everywhere is the realisation that I'm a part of it all, and everywhere is the realisation that my mind is part and un-part of it all.

I crave international airports, where no one knows my name and I don't know the language.

These feelings, are they dissatisfaction? Are they thirst? Are these fang-toothed-butterflies flapping in my belly simply the unsung soldiers of my unconscious conscience? Am I not living fully? Am I not in line with who I want to be? Probably.

So it's not the lovely living creature across the partition from me. His comments, actions and ways were just prompt for me to realise who I need to be.

Jessie does that sometimes. Prompts me I mean.

I need to live and feel and experience. I need something different to remind me I'm alive.

I'm sky diving in a few weeks, but is living something I can allow myself to do only every few weeks?

I think it's time to call it a day at work and make it to the forest.

Forest here I come =o)

(PS friend. I know I probably shouldn't seek internal satisfaction in the external. I should have the strength to satisfy the internal with the internal. But really, how is the internal any more important than the external? How is my mind any more important than my body? Really? Food for thought.)

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