PS:

Ps: Everyone should go rock climbing.

I went for the first time in a long time yesterday,
and it was wonderful.

The warmth that fills you at that first sight of a new wall,
a new challenge and a new obstacle to overcome,
a new way to live on the edge and push limits,
another way to feel like you're growing.

The struggle as you reach, stretch and pull with might,
the sweat that makes the path slippery,
and the ache that empties all your strength,
and the relief at each chance for rest.

Then that rush,
the realisation that you're there,
and the satisfaction as you're lowered down,
as you mentally prepare for your next wall.

---------------------------------

Where's my wall?

Fluff

I was about to write something like this in my Facebook status, but people don't really want to read this sort of fluff.

I just realised, I just remembered,
That my life, and my heart,
go at a pace, everyday,
that only I decide.

Only you decide.

!!!

Love

Far from perfect, but closer every day.
Or I like to think that way anyway.

After 3 and a half years what is this love?
How do I feel, and is it still love?

I know it's love and not need or comfort,
because I don't flinch or fear when I feel it might be slipping away.

I know it's love and not need or comfort,
because I feel completely fine all by myself.

I know it's love and not an ego-trip,
because all I want to do is give and give love.

I know it's love and not safety,
because I feel like being there stretches limits. It's an adventure.

I know it's love, and not just infatuation or passion,
because the more things there are to work on, the more I want to get to work.

I know it's love, and not just infatuation or passion,
because everyday it's a choice to be there, it's my choice - it's what I choose to do.

I know she's a fit, a match and a kindred spirit,
because when we talk it feels in sync, and there's so many similarities.

I know there's still passion,
for when I see her, at times, it brings fire to my bones.

There's a lot of things I don't know, but I know this is where I want to be.
This is who I want to be here with.
And we're going where I want to go.

I hope she's happy.
I hope we're going where she wants to go.
And daily I'll try to make sure that that's so =o)

Miser-y?

He listens to Kate Bush's, Babooshka,
And he's reminded of the dangers of growing complacent.
He remembers the hazards and perils of being miser-y with approbation, praise and appreciation.

Taking things for granted is a fast track for losing them.

Remember Marc, remember and let flourish.

*ching chink*

You know things are grand when your biggest problem is feeling a little thirsty ;)

*raises glass*

Another great day! ^.^

*ching chink*

Desires

It starts as a thing, almost nothing at all.
It feeds on lack, you grow hungry, it grows.
It grows and it grows until it fills you to the brim,
It presses the inside of your chest,
It presses the walls of your throat,
If fills you and chokes you,
This unspent force,
This wasted desire.

Oh so many wasted desires...

Moments.

Almost 600 calories of drink,
and that'll do for dinner.

But what will do?
Just.. what will do?

In a pathetic stupor he yells and yells at the starry skies... "What will do?!?"
And in that same pathetic stupor he whispers at the stars "What will do...?"

------------------------

And so he floated lonely as a cloud,
And from that cloud, he viewed the world,
And in his eyes the world did shine.

The people, their actions, their thoughts and their smiles,
They ran along, day by day, helplessly following their paths -
And in his eyes the world did shine.

From his dark and cold and helpless corner,
in that bare concrete room, abandoned by years,
A smile betrayed him, and in his eyes the world did shine.

Years later, and years before,
upon a grassy pasture, up high in the fairy meadows,
In his eyes, and in the sunlight, the world did shine!

The world shines.

It turns and it shines until our flames burn out,
and new flames take our places.

The world shines and the world turns.

And in this moment,
and in this mind,
She shines.

She shines and she turns and in the hands of his mind he weighs her over to her very core,
and in his eyes she shines.

A Fountain of Love.
A Fountain of abundant and unending love.

A Fountain of purity and a fountain of hope.
A Fountain of care and a fountain of tenderness.

And in her eyes he saw pride.
He saw a faith in his future,
he saw a judgement of worth!

And her eyes taught him the value of self.
And her arms taught him the value of love.
And her mind taught him the value of imagination.

And in learning he rediscovered.
He was never empty, only lost.
His mind existed years before in the minds and remnants of all ages past.
And he was created from the mud of the dusts under the rain of the years.
And he grew and he was fed and he was nourished,
by the ever passing friends of the world.

Ever passing.
Never ending.
Only living.

Standing in the crisp cold air in the early morning, I can't help but be somewhat taken by the feeling that we're all going to be wonderful today. That the world is always smiling on us and taking us where we need to go.

And now, sitting on the bus I wonder - do the others here feel it too?

=o)

Just Feeling.

I never realised how nice it was, to simply stand into the sun with you eyes closed.
Just feeling.

Wonderful Thought

Sitting in the taxi last night, driving home, it suddenly struck me how young I am, and at the same time how old I am.

I looked at Jessie, and remembered that I'm almost 2 years older than she is. And look at her, about to finish her first semester at uni, with me having not even started mine. She's so young. And in comparison, I'm so old. So far behind...

But there are other facets of life too, to consider, I suppose.

And besides, the point is - I'm starting it too, only 6 months later. So maybe I'm so young too.

The point is that there's no urgent rush to get somewhere fast, or to achieve something, or become something. I might have been focusing so much on those distant dreams recently that I've forgotten to enjoy the ride along the way. Well there's always time to remember, and my time may be now. ~ish.

A day at a time, and a step at a time, learning about this crazy old, wonderful world.

And I'm sure that somehow -

Before I cease to be, my pen and life's legacy will have glean'd this teeming mind.

---

NOTE for thought: If the mind is both conscious and unconscious, and the unconscious is infinite, then how can we ever glean it of all it's treasures? Second, why would you want to? As M Scott Peck writes, perhaps we shall all simply become Gods by opening ourselves to our minds. Perhaps..

On Many Things

I seem drawn to films which explore the 'meaning' of life. I use that term lightly, as I've long avoided refering to life as having any meaning at all, really. Perhaps I should say - ..."films which explore the different paths which lay before us, every day we are alive."

What will we do today? How will we do it?

What will we see today? And how will we see it?

Who will we meet today? And how will we meet them?

So many choices, and so many paths.

It seems many of us share a dream, a burning desire to do 'the right thing' with our lives.It seems many of us look around and see exactly what we don't want in life. We don't want to waste our lives, we don't want to not feel and love and experience. We want to make the most of life. We want to feel... special.

But what is the most in life? How can we be special? It's a question I've spent many moments thinking over. Maybe buddhists are onto something when they talk about releasing desires, releasing ego and accepting life. Letting life in, without clinging to it. They say -  "if you love something, let it go". Yet we all seem to cling. We hold onto things and try to master them, make them our own - to have control. We cling to our partners, we cling to our friends, we cling to our clothes and to our roles. Somtimes we even cling to the idea of being different. All this to be important... or special. We want more and more, we want that elusive 'something' that will make us better.

"Why not just be happy now?". What a marvelous thing to say. I heard it for the first time about a year ago, from a friend. And I've heard and read it many times since.  It's very much like the saying - "It's not what you do, but how you go about doing it".

Revolutionary Road

Frank doesn't know what he wants to do. He works a job he hates, to fill a role passed down to him by the world. Perhaps he thinks it will make him fit in, and be acceptable. Imagine - wanting to be 'acceptable', which is even a notch below being 'special'.

April has a dream to be an actress, and it doesn't become reality. She is 'robbed' of her happiness, through the lack of this thing in her life. Perhaps she transfers her need for a dream into Frank, and comes to believe that if he gets a dream, and lives it - then they'll both be happy. 

But can happiness really be a destination? Or is it an attitude you live, during your journey? Though we have many milestones in our lives, I don't think there really is a destination. We are born, we live, love and experience, then we die and we leave behind whatever affect we had on this world. Beyond that who knows what there is? "Why not be happy now?".

One of my favorite quotes is by Modest Mouse - "It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember, that we're alive for such a short time. It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time. It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember, to live before you die". And sometimes it is hard to remember. We live day in and day out, and we forget that we're living. Smile a little, enjoy a little.

Frank and April didn't really seem to communicate a great deal towards the end. Either with themselves, internally, or with one another. Neither had a good understanding of who they were or what they wanted, or who their partner was, and what they wanted. Did he just want to feel like a man? Did he just want to feel appreciated? Did she just want to feel special and important? Did she just want to feel appreciated? Did they need to feel these things from others, because they couldn't feel it for themselves?

I've read that to be a good man, you should have a purpose, presence and freedom. You should know where you are going, and that will give you presence, and in having this path, you are free to live and feel life. I don't know if that's true of not, but the idea feels very appealing to me. I wish I had a purpose, rather than floating as I am now. 

How then does the idea of "being happy now", mesh with the idea of having a purpose? Perhaps there's truth in how they say "to be happy you need something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to". The something to do and something to look forward to parts might constitute for a 'purpose'. Does that then mean that's it's impossible to "just be happy now"? Must I find a purpose before I can be happy? I feel happy often now, but is that because I distract myself from reality? Or do I perhaps have a purpose that I live by but have not fixed upon yet?

There's a thought. A thought indeed. For a long while now I've been steadily commited to daily becoming a better person. To becoming a better listener and communicater - so that I may be a better friend and lover to Jessie. So I may be fairer and more open to new ideas and the desires of others. So that I may in turn be a better friend generally. So that I may be a better man.

"So that I may be a better man". There's a big idea... to be "a man". "A Man". What does it mean to be a Man? To be strong, and to have direction. To be open to ideas and to be at peace with the world. To take comfort and to draw strength from the vastness of the world - both tangible and ethereal. It seems odd to say - but to even to take comfort in the insignificance of our own existence and actions. But at the same time to heavily appreciate our existence and free will to do action. To appreciate the effect of our every breath, our every word, and our every motion. To give thought and consideration to all that we think, say and do. But in the light of similtaneous appreciation for our insignificance in this vast world - to be light, to be free and to be easy.

This is a great duality, and a great balancing act - a continual work. But one, that in my short experience of which, can bear wonderful fruit. More learning, more acceptance, healthier relations and a vaster horizon of experience.

I am alive, I am young, I am open to the world and it's limitless possibilities.

I am steadfast in my dedication to my purpose - to live and to love fully - strongly, and tenderly - to grow and to help grow.

We are all on our own paths, with no right and wrong way but what we make.

I think I'd like to take a stroll.

Fare well =o)

Sick

I feel sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
Coughing, runny nose, a foggy head which can't put together a well formed sentence mid conversation.

Slow thoughts, few thoughts (but that may not be unusual).

With a general feeling of being just a little bit detached from my body.
...that makes it sound almost good =/
It isn't.

sigh.

A little adventure.

Marc needs a little adventure.
A little bit of that 'out of this place' experience.

The time is drawing near.

A while ago I went to a psychologist and it very quickly became apparent that I live my life in cycles. Sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious.

Expectations etched deep in my mind and entwined with my heart and spirit, guide me and control me. Like everyone, I'm a product of my experience and those earliest experiences have been compounded upon until they're so deeply buried that I can barely recognise their nature. But oh how they effect me now.

And some might say that it's insignificant. You are who you are and you move forward from there. And that's true. But regardless of anything else, it gives me comfort to understand the why and the how of how I behave.

So I live in cycles.

My character leads me live and act in ways while my spirit yearns for other ways. Pressure builds and I feel it building. And then it pops, and I pop, and the world goes just a little bit crazy for just a little while. And I love it. I crave it and I want it to be that way again, and again, and again. Until it becomes an addiction.

Side by side with this is a deeply felt emotional void. A lack of love and a lack of faith that itches at my heart every cycle, at some end point, just before the end. Perhaps it's to help me to detach and make the leap more palatable.

Logically and by all reason things are fabulous. A loving and caring girlfriend, who's attentive and true. Beautiful cats and a supporting family. But still the itches come.

At this end of the cycle I feel all too clearly the impossible beyond the crest. Just up ahead, a few running steps forward. A pasture so green and a sky so clear that I will surely be overwhelmed by it all, and taken in my this natural wonder. Thoughtless, without responsibility or ego.

To be a part of something larger than myself, something beautiful.

But aren't I already? Aren't I already a cog in the beautiful machine of the world?
A piece in this game we play?
A vibration in this energy?

Oh this unyeilding feeling will fill me with such discontent! It threatens the very ambitions that otherwise satisfy me so.

I fear loss on both sides and there's no one to say which side will bear fruit.
It's my path, my 'Destiny' as Lenny Kravitz sings.

Perhaps a balance of both would be better than these cycles?
Or perhaps like the women of our world I need to expel this energy regularly, perhaps it's part of my 'ideal make up'.

But how to do it without causing such strife as to tear down my home to return to?
How to?

I think I need a little adventure.