Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Overwhelmed? | Overcoming. | Being.

I don't think I'd ever really go back no matter how easy or difficult I think it might be, because I moved from there for a reason. And the freedom and independance we enjoy now could never exist 'within the nest from which we came'.

But then, what's so enjoyable about independance? I think it's just more condusive to a greater breadth of learning. You need to struggle and strive more, and you enjoy and relish more in your successes.

It seems I've been a little less than successful of late. But that's not to say I'm not optimistic, happy or hopeful. I've just learnt important lessons, and I'll be wiser in future. Because debt's not a happy thing, and it detracts from your potentiol for positive experience, if only because it consumes so much of your thought and time. It weighs on you even when you're not consciously thinking about it. And sometimes it feels like a tangle of weeds and vines that will not subside, and that will not be hacked away. But we'll clear them, slowly and tenderly, as if they were our closest friend, just moving on. Because that's really what they are - friends. They were experiences which taught us lessons that brought us new insight and new understanding. And we move on.

There's no need to let something so mundane take up so much of your thought! In the morning I'll create a plan and it will begin it's path to recovery. And it will be a gentle path, which allows and encourages for a happy freedom and for more experience =o)

Money won't make me happy, no matter how much it 'helps'. In the same way, there's no reason for debt to make me sad. That's not to say I won't make plans to change those circumstances, because I will. But all I do will be in a mindset of love and happiness, and a curiosity for adventure and experience.

I've just decided that tomorrow I will spend a day entirely without spending money, any of it; other than on the obvious things like electricity and water and gas - I'm not that extreme.

I'll focus on the kiss I know she'll grace me with when I wake. And I'll take full advantage of that chance to kiss her back, to share my smile with her, and to breathe in her smile and her warmth. I've said it before and I'll never stop saying it - she's like a fountain of love in my life.

I'll take the moments to watch my bub-cats, and to pat them, and to stroke them, as and when they wish to be patted and stroked - not just when I want it.

I've been listening to a podcast recently which talks about not wanting the things in your life to be something else, but to appreciate and love them as they are, because wanting to change everything stems from our desire and craving for control. Because we fear not being in control. And if someone asked you if you want to let fear rule your life, what would you say?

Like they say quite cheesily in Shortbus - "I choose to come from a place of love". And I'll love unconditionally and because I want to love. I want to love my beautiful, happy, caring and emotional girl, simply because I want to love her. I do love her.

I don't 'love her if she's this' or only 'love her if she changes to become that'. I'll love her and respect her on her life's journey no matter what. Or at least I'll strive to. And if we change and she changes and I find I don't enjoy my time with her any longer, then I won't stuggle to change her, we'll love each other, respect each other, and take new paths individually.

But for the moment I adore spending time with her. I don't tell her enough but her smile and her cheeky grins really do still warm my heart even after all this time. Every movement of her body in every action she takes, simply seeps with a radiating affection for those around her, and I adore her for that. She gets flustered and tired, and grumpy and run down, but who doesn't at some point? I'll help her where she wants my help, and let the dirt and the mud play through my fingers just as much as I'd let the clean crisp clouds in our up times.

Watching her in rest is so peaceful.

I'm very very happy. I think I'll go and kiss the bells goodnight, and try to slip into bed without waking her, and watch her some more before drifting inward.


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