I feel sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
Coughing, runny nose, a foggy head which can't put together a well formed sentence mid conversation.
Slow thoughts, few thoughts (but that may not be unusual).
With a general feeling of being just a little bit detached from my body.
...that makes it sound almost good =/
It isn't.
sigh.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
A little adventure.
Marc needs a little adventure.
A little bit of that 'out of this place' experience.
The time is drawing near.
A while ago I went to a psychologist and it very quickly became apparent that I live my life in cycles. Sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious.
Expectations etched deep in my mind and entwined with my heart and spirit, guide me and control me. Like everyone, I'm a product of my experience and those earliest experiences have been compounded upon until they're so deeply buried that I can barely recognise their nature. But oh how they effect me now.
And some might say that it's insignificant. You are who you are and you move forward from there. And that's true. But regardless of anything else, it gives me comfort to understand the why and the how of how I behave.
So I live in cycles.
My character leads me live and act in ways while my spirit yearns for other ways. Pressure builds and I feel it building. And then it pops, and I pop, and the world goes just a little bit crazy for just a little while. And I love it. I crave it and I want it to be that way again, and again, and again. Until it becomes an addiction.
Side by side with this is a deeply felt emotional void. A lack of love and a lack of faith that itches at my heart every cycle, at some end point, just before the end. Perhaps it's to help me to detach and make the leap more palatable.
Logically and by all reason things are fabulous. A loving and caring girlfriend, who's attentive and true. Beautiful cats and a supporting family. But still the itches come.
At this end of the cycle I feel all too clearly the impossible beyond the crest. Just up ahead, a few running steps forward. A pasture so green and a sky so clear that I will surely be overwhelmed by it all, and taken in my this natural wonder. Thoughtless, without responsibility or ego.
To be a part of something larger than myself, something beautiful.
But aren't I already? Aren't I already a cog in the beautiful machine of the world?
A piece in this game we play?
A vibration in this energy?
Oh this unyeilding feeling will fill me with such discontent! It threatens the very ambitions that otherwise satisfy me so.
I fear loss on both sides and there's no one to say which side will bear fruit.
It's my path, my 'Destiny' as Lenny Kravitz sings.
Perhaps a balance of both would be better than these cycles?
Or perhaps like the women of our world I need to expel this energy regularly, perhaps it's part of my 'ideal make up'.
But how to do it without causing such strife as to tear down my home to return to?
How to?
I think I need a little adventure.
A little bit of that 'out of this place' experience.
The time is drawing near.
A while ago I went to a psychologist and it very quickly became apparent that I live my life in cycles. Sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious.
Expectations etched deep in my mind and entwined with my heart and spirit, guide me and control me. Like everyone, I'm a product of my experience and those earliest experiences have been compounded upon until they're so deeply buried that I can barely recognise their nature. But oh how they effect me now.
And some might say that it's insignificant. You are who you are and you move forward from there. And that's true. But regardless of anything else, it gives me comfort to understand the why and the how of how I behave.
So I live in cycles.
My character leads me live and act in ways while my spirit yearns for other ways. Pressure builds and I feel it building. And then it pops, and I pop, and the world goes just a little bit crazy for just a little while. And I love it. I crave it and I want it to be that way again, and again, and again. Until it becomes an addiction.
Side by side with this is a deeply felt emotional void. A lack of love and a lack of faith that itches at my heart every cycle, at some end point, just before the end. Perhaps it's to help me to detach and make the leap more palatable.
Logically and by all reason things are fabulous. A loving and caring girlfriend, who's attentive and true. Beautiful cats and a supporting family. But still the itches come.
At this end of the cycle I feel all too clearly the impossible beyond the crest. Just up ahead, a few running steps forward. A pasture so green and a sky so clear that I will surely be overwhelmed by it all, and taken in my this natural wonder. Thoughtless, without responsibility or ego.
To be a part of something larger than myself, something beautiful.
But aren't I already? Aren't I already a cog in the beautiful machine of the world?
A piece in this game we play?
A vibration in this energy?
Oh this unyeilding feeling will fill me with such discontent! It threatens the very ambitions that otherwise satisfy me so.
I fear loss on both sides and there's no one to say which side will bear fruit.
It's my path, my 'Destiny' as Lenny Kravitz sings.
Perhaps a balance of both would be better than these cycles?
Or perhaps like the women of our world I need to expel this energy regularly, perhaps it's part of my 'ideal make up'.
But how to do it without causing such strife as to tear down my home to return to?
How to?
I think I need a little adventure.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Mish Mash
"I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor reglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
- a quote from one of my favorite books, How To Win Friends And Influence People. It always reminds me of the little things I so often forget to attend to.
As most people when they read the book, I've been seeing recently with new eyes. I've been noticing all the wonderful people that surround me each day, and I've been noticing all the good things that they do. I've been trying to 'bracket' more when dealing with people, and it's amazing the difference it makes, what you can learn.
Bracketing - "the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes".
They're techniques and skills which seem so common sense, but which are used so infrequently. It's amazing.
And besides all that...
the sunsets have been wonderful the last few days. Absolutely breathtaking.
I've loved living in the apartment, it's so clean and fine and bright and airey.
I've loved living in a place so full of love.
It's given me a great energy to go out into the world with.
I like the idea of sharing happiness, and lighting little sparks of positive energy wherever I go.
We'll get there ;)
Things are going really well...
really well... =o)
- a quote from one of my favorite books, How To Win Friends And Influence People. It always reminds me of the little things I so often forget to attend to.
As most people when they read the book, I've been seeing recently with new eyes. I've been noticing all the wonderful people that surround me each day, and I've been noticing all the good things that they do. I've been trying to 'bracket' more when dealing with people, and it's amazing the difference it makes, what you can learn.
Bracketing - "the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes".
They're techniques and skills which seem so common sense, but which are used so infrequently. It's amazing.
And besides all that...
the sunsets have been wonderful the last few days. Absolutely breathtaking.
I've loved living in the apartment, it's so clean and fine and bright and airey.
I've loved living in a place so full of love.
It's given me a great energy to go out into the world with.
I like the idea of sharing happiness, and lighting little sparks of positive energy wherever I go.
We'll get there ;)
Things are going really well...
really well... =o)
Sunday, May 17, 2009
On the Road Again.
Tonight after work I'll go home and play with cats, I'll make a cup of coffee and read a good book. Then later I'll go to Swing and then dinner and Jessie's parents.
Then in the evening I'll go for a walk with Jessie, all willing.
A step at a time in the right direction ;)
PS: I'm very at peace right now, and really quite happy.
Then in the evening I'll go for a walk with Jessie, all willing.
A step at a time in the right direction ;)
PS: I'm very at peace right now, and really quite happy.
On Track
What did I do on the weekend? I forget...
Friday night we went out and then came home.
Saturday we moved our fridge and washer from the old place. We showed someone through the house. We went to Bunnings, then on an adventure to a closed Crazy Clarkes and a dinner at Noodle Box. In the evening we watched The Castle on TV.
Yesterday I dropped Jessie at her parents to study, I did washing, went back to Bunnings, read and listened to music. In the evening we showed more people through the house. Then after that we made a splendid dinner.
There were some great bits, and some not so great bits, and I can see a lot of time which could have been used better. More cooking and more interaction. More boardgames, and less distraction. Or at least, less unproductive distraction.
Distractions which feed relationships and souls:
Friday night we went out and then came home.
Saturday we moved our fridge and washer from the old place. We showed someone through the house. We went to Bunnings, then on an adventure to a closed Crazy Clarkes and a dinner at Noodle Box. In the evening we watched The Castle on TV.
Yesterday I dropped Jessie at her parents to study, I did washing, went back to Bunnings, read and listened to music. In the evening we showed more people through the house. Then after that we made a splendid dinner.
There were some great bits, and some not so great bits, and I can see a lot of time which could have been used better. More cooking and more interaction. More boardgames, and less distraction. Or at least, less unproductive distraction.
Distractions which feed relationships and souls:
- Boardgames.
- Cooking.
- Walks and rides.
- Gymming.
- Reading.
- Visiting friends and family.
- Playing with cats.
- Doing housework together.
- Rockclimbing together.
- Dancing together.
That's a start ^^
Onwards and upwards, and today's a new day.
I'm friendly, I'm patient, and I'm full of energy!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
All in place
Think.
Think.
Breathe.
Things don't always go to plan. Things aren't going as I'd planned.
Let's breathe. Let's look left, right and far. Let's gain perspective.
Who am I? Marc.
What do I want to be? A gentleman, a romantic, a thinker, an adventurer and an entrepreneur.
What do I value? Refinement, romance, thought, experience and achievement.
What are my current three affirmations? I'm friendly, I'm patient, and I'm full of energy.
What do I want to do eventually?
- Be wealthy to fund bigger adventures,
- be balanced and more refined,
- be more focussed, passionate and romantic,
- be wiser, more well read and always hungry for learning,
- to start enterprises that will require my creativity, inspire others and create my wealth.
What will I do to get there?
- Surround myself with people who have similar goals and values,
- go to university to learn the key skills I need for my future enterprises,
- focus daily, on the character I wish to be,
- remember to live the smaller adventures,
- keep fit and healthy.
What will I do now to get there?
- Relax, meditate and still my mind,
- I'll pat cats,
- hold Jessie, be held by her, kiss her and feel her heart beat.
- talk with her about dreams.
And tomorrow?
I'll kiss my girl good morning, I'll pat cats.
I'll go to the gym.
I'll go to work.
I'll read on my lunch break.
I'll share a nice evening with family in the evening.
I'm happy and I need to remember that.
I'm in love and I'm loving; I'm not only loving to Jessie, but to myself and to those around me.
All will be well, for all is well, and exactly as it needs to be for the next steps.
=o)
Think.
Breathe.
Things don't always go to plan. Things aren't going as I'd planned.
Let's breathe. Let's look left, right and far. Let's gain perspective.
Who am I? Marc.
What do I want to be? A gentleman, a romantic, a thinker, an adventurer and an entrepreneur.
What do I value? Refinement, romance, thought, experience and achievement.
What are my current three affirmations? I'm friendly, I'm patient, and I'm full of energy.
What do I want to do eventually?
- Be wealthy to fund bigger adventures,
- be balanced and more refined,
- be more focussed, passionate and romantic,
- be wiser, more well read and always hungry for learning,
- to start enterprises that will require my creativity, inspire others and create my wealth.
What will I do to get there?
- Surround myself with people who have similar goals and values,
- go to university to learn the key skills I need for my future enterprises,
- focus daily, on the character I wish to be,
- remember to live the smaller adventures,
- keep fit and healthy.
What will I do now to get there?
- Relax, meditate and still my mind,
- I'll pat cats,
- hold Jessie, be held by her, kiss her and feel her heart beat.
- talk with her about dreams.
And tomorrow?
I'll kiss my girl good morning, I'll pat cats.
I'll go to the gym.
I'll go to work.
I'll read on my lunch break.
I'll share a nice evening with family in the evening.
I'm happy and I need to remember that.
I'm in love and I'm loving; I'm not only loving to Jessie, but to myself and to those around me.
All will be well, for all is well, and exactly as it needs to be for the next steps.
=o)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Morning Again.
As I walked out through my front gate and into the world this morning I couldn't help but notice how clean and crisp the morning light was. I couldn't help but notice how fresh and clean the air seemed, and how defined all the colours looked.
It was lovely to walk through and to begin a day with.
I wonder if everyone else noticed? =o)
It was lovely to walk through and to begin a day with.
I wonder if everyone else noticed? =o)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)